Trump And Newt Share Adjoining Rooms In Hell

Donald Trump, America's premiere vulgarian, and Washington's creepiest white politician, Newt Gingrich, have reserved adjoining rooms in Hell.

"Donald and I decided that once we finish our work for Satan in this world, we'd like to partner in the next," Gingrich told the press.  "We share so much in common.  We're incapable of being embarrassed.  It's not just being publicity whores and off-putting, pedantic windbags and the authors of unread books.  It's the total lack of morality that binds us.  Serial killers look down on us.  And between us we have about eight chins."

"Don't forget our failed marriages," Trump chimed in.

The jowly duo chuckled at that.

"Let me add that Newt and I were both voted Most-Awful Americans four years in a row," Trump noted.  "The competition for that is fierce.  We beat all the Real Housewives and every judge on American Idol."

Trump announced a branding deal with Satan that will change the name of Hell to Trump Hell.  "I'm adding my name to eternity.  It's the ultimate in licensing.  Disney and Apple can't touch this."

                                             Trump Ice, Official Water of Trump Hell

Trump handed out gift bags containing Trump Chocolates, a Trump tie and Trump cuff links, and a bottle of Trump Ice.  Then Gingrich and Trump left in a limo for a well-publicized double-date with Snooki and JWoww.

                                                              Who gets Newt?

Trump and First Lady Share Worst Hairdo Awards

Casino owner/TV host Donald Trump and First Lady/organic gardener Michelle Obama captured the First Prize in the Hairstylist Institute's Worst Hair of 2012.

                                                Prince Philip stunned by Obama do.

"What were they thinking?" asked Blaine Capella, the Institute's President.  "Were the lights off?  Don't they own a mirror?  Was Michelle's hair done by Patti Labelle?  Is Trump conditioning with Clorox?  Twin fashion disasters.  The Donald's two-tone combover and Michelle's fright wig go straight to the Hairdo Hall of Shame.  You're both fired."

Mrs. Obama defended her do as a "tribute to my hometown, the Windy City.  I see it as my crown.  I was visiting that old bitch Queen Elizabeth and had to step up.  It is so disrespectful to lump me in with that birther Trump.  He's a racist."

"Look, Sapphire, I'm not thrilled to be linked with you," Trump shot back.  "You and that Kenyan you're allegedly married to.  Where's the marriage license, huh?  I've never seen it.  I'm a style icon for MBAs the world over.  Who looks up to you - welfare queens?  Enjoy the White House while you can.  My man Mitt's moving in come January."

Obama: Add Norman Fell to Mount Rushmore

President Obama today called for the addition of actor Norman Fell to Mount Rushmore.

"Only Presidents have been allowed up until now and we need to open that to include Americans from all walks of life," Obama explained.  "A sitcom star is a good place to start.  Who doesn't love Three's Company and the irascible Mr. Roper?  There's room for him between Teddy and Abe.  Let's fill in that empty spot."

Visitors to Mount Rushmore like the President's idea.  "Yup, we like the President's idea," noted Janey Patterson while vacationing with her family.  "Usually, I don't like Jews, but Norman Fell deserves this."

The President's plan also won support from TV's Jerry Mathers.  "It's about time that actors get recognized and inserted into national monuments.  They should add me to the Statue of Liberty or The Alamo.  How about it, Mister President?"



                                                           The Beav wants the Alamo
                                               
White House sources revealed the President will next propose a statue of Lee Majors be built at Old Faithful.

President Enjoys Refreshing Shake While Checking Kill List

                                                                      "Mmmm."

President Obama took a break from deciding who to kill next by going to Cold Stone for a yummy shake.

"Milk & Cookies really hits the spot," Obama sighed.  "Don't want to drink it too fast.  Brain freeze!  Better pick up something for Michelle and the girls or I'll never hear the end of it."

The President carried three waffle cones back to the White House then rejoined advisors.

"Eenie meenie minie moe," Obama joked while shuffling the terrorist baseball cards of the soon-to-die.  "Some get a waffle cone.  Some get a drone."

                                   The President tells First Lady who's on this week's Kill List

Loony Landslide Predicted For Obama

                                                               Bonkers For Barack


Obama Campaign Manager David Axelrod boldly predicted that the President will make a clean sweep of the loony vote come November.

                                                                  "Obama 2012."

"There's no doubt that we've locked up the crazies, and I'm including the hard-to-handle paranoid-schizophrenics," Axelrod told reporters.  "If they're delusional, disconnected from reality, or just plain drooling, they've voting Democratic.  They get to vote, too, don't forget.  Our grassroots organizers are hitting every nuthouse and group-living facility.  Our crackpot database beats anything the opposition can put together."

                                         "I'm the King, and I command you to vote for Obama."

Insane Obama supporters are being encouraged to "come as you are" when voting on Election Day.

"We want our loonies to feel free to dress as they normally do when coming to the polls," added Axelrod.  "Anything goes.  Your crown, spacesuit, gorilla costume can and should be worn.  Think of it as an extra Halloween."

Special entrances and voting machines are being set aside to accomodate loony voters.

Police Release Photo of Peeping Tom Obama

Maryland State Police today released a photo of a local Peeping Tom who's plagued several Baltimore suburbs for over a year.

"He's clever," said Captain Tom Braverman.  "He dresses nice, looks clean-cut, the opposite of your drooling, crazy-eyed, creeping perv.  He looks like an accountant or, maybe, lawyer."

The suspect is described as Hispanic or light-skinned African American, about 50, with short greying hair.

"He's never without his binoculars, the better to catch that open shade or distant backyard.  We are warning women not to sunbathe topless and to close the window whenever you shower.  You may not be alone."

Americans Thinking About Anything Besides Election

The latest New York Times/CBS poll shows that Americans are thinking about anything besides the upcoming Presidential election.  A record 81% of those surveyed didn't even know it's an election year.  Almost 36% could not name the current President.

"Obama?  What kind of name is that?  Spanish?" asked Big Richie Sveda, shown above, when told the President's name.  "I took Spanish in high school but forgot most of it.  'Hola' is Spanish, right?  And taco.  First Spanish President.   That calls for tequila shots."

African Americans surveyed were equally indifferent to the election.

"Havin' a brother in the White House is cool and all, but I ain't got time for this," commented Boston's Brenda Garr.  "Know what I'm sayin'?  I'm in court with my two baby daddies for child support.  Got my Section Eight application and a DUI.  I'm busy.  Know what I'm sayin'?"

"Election?  Nah.  Not interested," commented Rodney Schmidt of Des Moines who's never voted.  "Got my snacks, my tunes.  Got my Xbox.  Mom leaves me alone.  No time for that Washington stuff.  The President lives in Washington, right?"

"What do you want?  Huh?  Get the hell out of here," said a bat-wielding voter who refused to give his name.

Disney's New Pinocchio? Mitt Romney

Disney Studios announced its reboot of animated classic Pinocchio will star GOP candidate Mitt Romney.  Earlier, President Obama revealed his own Hollywood project, Super Freak: The Rick James Story.

Both men are hoping to release their films in time for Election Day in November.

Disney CEO Bob Iger said, "In casting this beloved character we had to find a charming, habitual liar.  We know we found one in Mitt Romney.  He's cute and can lie better than anybody.  Falsehood is his middle name."

Disney's also in discussions with John McCain to play Geppetto.  Karl Rove is signed to play Monstro.

Ghost of Mother Theresa Asks For Moisturizer

The ghost of Mother Theresa appeared onboard Air Force One today and asked First Lady Michelle Obama if she could borrow some moisturizer.

"Heaven is very dry, which surprised me," the dead nun explained.  "You expect clouds and humidity, but it's the opposite.  The air is like a desert, bone-dry.  Weird, right?  My skin needs help.  I looked like a mummy when I was alive.  They called me Boris Karloff, and I ain't getting any better-looking.  I'm not fussy about brands.  Generic is cool.  I prefer unscented but wouldn't turn up my nose at coconut or something flowery.  Can you help me out?"

Mrs. Obama and her makeup person rummaged through the First Lady's twenty or so bottles of moisturizer and offered Mother Theresa a half-used jar of Shea Butter.

"Keep it," Mrs. Obama said.  "Good luck with that."

"Thanks, hon," Mother Theresa replied and vanished with a smile.

Happy Father's Day, Mr. President

Romney Grandson "Just Fuckin' Nuts"

                                                                  King Pot On Head 


Mitt Romney admitted today that his grandson Mitch is clinically insane, or, as the GOP candidate put it bluntly, "just fuckin' nuts."

"He's nutty as a fruitcake and nobody likes fruitcake.  It started years ago when he wore those paper crowns from Burger King.  Lots of kids do, right?  Only Mitch glued the crown to his hair and refused to take it off.  We had his head shaved.  He got another crown and glued that to his scalp.  If they were out of crowns, he wore the box on his head.  See what I'm saying?  Nuts."

                                                  Romney grandson Mitch in happier times

"I told my son Craig to fix it.  Get his kid pumped full of Ritalin, Valium, anything.  Christ, I'm planning a run at the White House.  Craig followed orders, but Mitch is immune to meds.  Lately he's been wearing cookware and telling us to call him King Pot On Head.  Today, he stapled toast to his chest.  Lock him up."

Romney said he's taking a page from the Kennedys who hid their mentally ill sister from the public.

"This kid's going bye bye for a long time."

Craig Romney Not "The Lost Osmond"

Craig Romney today responded to a recent flurry of rumors that he is, in fact, an Osmond.

"Just because I'm toothy and on the goofy side and Mormon does not make me an Osmond," Romney announced in Salt Lake City.  "I'm not even distantly related to Donny, Marie, Jimmy and the rest.  They're friends but not family.  I will not be joining the Osmond Brothers for their upcoming shows in Branson.  Come on, my Dad's running for President.  Kinda busy."

Reached at the Osmond compound in Provo, Donny and Marie confirmed Romney is not the mysterious "Lost Osmond" fans have speculated about for decades.

"Craig's a cool dude, but he's no Os bro," said Donny.  "And for the millionth time, there is no 'Lost Osmond.'  That's been our version of 'Paul is dead'.  Why are the best groups saddled with these nutty rumors?  Sheesh!"

Obama Receives Meghan's Seal Of Approval

President Obama today received the coveted Seal of Approval from Meghan.  The President thanked the blogger for the award, noting he was the first person not associated with Star Trek or Harry Potter to garner the honor.

"I thought getting a Nobel Prize was thrilling," Obama said.  "This tops that.  Meghan sets the bar high.  Usually, she chooses action figures or plush toys.  I'm neither of those.  Meghan and her Mom are welcome anytime at the White House.  Thanks, Megger."

                                                          The big thumbs up from Meghan

Obama To Star In Rick James Biopic; Clooney To Produce

With his re-election a foregone conclusion, President Obama is looking beyond his political life to a career in Hollywood.  He inked a deal with Sony Pictures to play the lead in Super Freak: The Rick James Story.  Pal George Clooney is producing.

"During my numerous trips to L.A. to pick up big checks from wealthy elbow-rubbers," the President said, "George keeps urging me to try movies.  Shit.  Why not?  I haven't failed yet."

"Barack's got some serious acting chops," remarked Clooney who's currently fundraising for the President.  "He will blow you away when you see his Rick James.  He'll be doing his own singing, too."

Barbra Streisand is in talks to direct the flick.  "The more time I can spend with Barack the better," the diva cooed.  "I'm giving him singing lessons.  Who better?"

Streisand will also co-produce under her Big Yenta banner.

Millionaire Mitt's Crash Course In Being Slob Like Us

In order to counter the impression that their candidate is an out-of-touch millionaire, the Romney campaign today unveiled Gettin' In Touch!, a 90-day crash program to acquaint Romney with the life experiences of poor slobs.  The purpose is to give Mr. Romney his first exposure to what Americans without $250 million do every day.

Highlights of Gettin' In Touch! will include:

* Kill a roach

* Use coupons

* Learn to operate microwave

* Eat something cooked in microwave

* Meet a Jew

* Ride crowded bus to dead-end job

* Work in cramped, airless cubicle surrounded by cramped, airless cubicles
* Be kept up all night by car alarms, sirens, drunken neighbors, barking dog, the whore upstairs

* Meet a Puerto Rican (or make friends with someone named Jose)

* Wait on lines at post office, DMV, Rite Aid

* Scrimp to pay minimum on maxed-out credit card

* Buy a forty and loosies in a bodega

* Find enough quarters to do laundry

* Do laundry

* Make bed

* Peel own banana

* Dye own hair

The program features living for a week in apartments in the South Bronx, East St. Louis and Oakland.  Visits to other shitholes will be added.

"I look forward to meeting the challenges of Gettin' In Touch!," Mr. Romney stated.  "I want to acquire that common touch in the worst way.  Ciao."

Mr. Romney then got into his limo which drove him to his helicopter, the one that takes him to his private jet, not the one he keeps just for fun.

Fitzgerald: The rich are different from you and me.

Hemingway: Yes, they have more money.

Romney Says Showering With Five Sons Not "Weird"

Mitt Romney today defended his non-traditional family tradition of showering with his five adult sons.  "Hey, it's just something I do," Romney told bewildered supporters at a campaign rally in Cleveland.  "This is not a Mormon thing like sacred underwear.  It's face time with Dad, quality time.  The boys enjoy it.  They've certainly never asked me to stop.  Don't all Dads do it?  What's the big deal?  We're a close family.  This is no different than an NBA team showering with their coach.  No eyebrows are raised for that."

Whenever his five sons, who are in their thirties and forties, visit Romney at home or in hotels on the campaign trail, they are expected to join their father in the shower.  Wives are not invited.

"We scrub each other's backs, sing sea shanties.  If I'm in a frisky mood, there might be some jolly towel-snapping.  Relieves the stress of the campaign.  Who needs caffeine or alcohol when you've got manly sea shanties in the shower?"

Calls to the Romney brothers seeking comment were not returned.

(Editor's note: NBA teams do not shower with the coach.)

Mormon Missionaries Hot On Trail Of The Great Misto

                                                                  In search of Misto


The Romney campaign and the Church of Latter-Day Saints have joined forces to locate the hidden lair of hypnotist The Great Misto who has vowed to make all voters pick President Obama in November.

"With 50,000 missionaries worldwide, we have an excellent chance of locating Misto's lair in time," said Elder Tom Nelson.  "That's a lot of doors.  We won't stop until this threat is stopped.  Say no to Misto, yes to Mitt."

                                                       All-Powerful Misto in his secret lair

Governor Romney has committed an unspecified portion of his $250 million personal fortune to fund the nationwide search for Misto, including a reward.

Reached at his hidden lair, the Great Misto scoffed at the attempts to locate him.  "With my mental powers, these fools will never find me.  I cloud their minds, send them off on wild goose chases.  I trick them up.  Dont forget.  I control the weather and the stock market.  Blocking these candy-ass kooks is easy.  Tell 'em I'm in Utah."

                                                             Where, oh where, is Misto?

Governor Romney is offering a $100,000 cash reward for information leading to the finding of Misto's  hidden lair.  The recipient will also get a big, wet kiss from Mr. Romney, providing that person is female.

Queen Elizabeth "Old Bitch": Michelle

While sending Diamond Jubilee greetings to England's Queen Elizabeth, First Lady Michelle Obama admitted she didn't like her, calling the monarch "an old bitch".

"Every time I meet her she acts like she's not sure who I am," Mrs. Obama confided.  "Her glazed-over eyes seem to be asking, 'Now is this one from Africa, Jamaica or Harlem?  Is she a dancer or a sprinter?'  It's a weird vibe.  Then a flunky whispers in her ear and she gets it.  She loses the 'is this one stealing the silver?' fear. Does she get her dresses from a costume museum?  And what's with the George Washington hairdo?  The rumors that she puts underwear on her head are true.  Yeah.  Happy birthday, jubilee, anniversary, whatever.  I'd rather meet Helen Mirren."

Josh Romney Denies Resemblance To Herman Munster

                                                           Separated at birth?

Josh Romney today denied any resemblance between himself and TV's Herman Munster.  "I don't have a Frankenstein face, and little children do not recoil in horror when I walk down the street," Romney told reporters.  "And see, no bolts in my neck.  This is very hurtful, especially for my wife who's been brought to tears when strangers yell 'Bride of Frankenstein' at her.  I expect politics to be a rough business, but this is crossing the line.  You don't hear we Romneys saying the President has Dumbo ears even though he does."

Before Romney could finish, he was chased by a mob of villagers with torches.

Herman Munster is also unhappy with the comparison.  "I may be stitched together from corpses, but I don't look as bad as that doofus."

Though dead, Grandpa Al Lewis weighed in on the controversy, calling the alleged resemblance "a crock of cold shit."

Win Dinner With Obama - At Sizzler!

                                                               See you at Sizzler


It's hotter than Megamillions!  The chance to chow down with President Obama is pulling in thousands of donors hoping they'll win the contest's grand prize - an all-you-can-eat evening at Sizzler with the President of the United States.  Soup included!

The sumptuous cuisine of the mall chain would be enough for most.  But imagine eating it with the Commander-In-Chief at your table.  You'll be eating the same salad, the same garbanzo beans, the same garlic bread as the President.  He won't be in a roped-off VIP section.  He won't be hiding behind a phalanx of Secret Service agents ready to take you down.  His elbows will rest on the same slightly-dirty table yours are on!

Win and your dinner could look like this:

Or this:

Feeling hungry?  Feeling lucky?  Well, what are you waiting for?  An engraved invitation?  That's not happening.  Donate.

Betty Russler of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, donated in the hope of meeting the President.  "I thought this would be at the White House, you know, fancy," said Mrs. Russler, an unemployed cashier and mother of three.  "And maybe Michelle would make me a salad with what she grows in her organic garden.  Nah, it's just Sizzler.  Same-old same-old.  Michelle ain't coming.  She'll be off posing with rich folks paying $10,000 for one photo.  Oh well.  Wish me luck."

Save room for dessert:

Nation Being Hypnotized By The Great Misto

Acclaimed hypnotist The Great Misto is employing his mental powers to convince every voter to pick President Obama in November.

"I'm hard at work right now harnessing cosmic energy and deploying it on behalf of the President," explained Misto from his hidden lair.  "I already control the stock market and the weather.  The election will be easy.  Most people are unaware of my psychic probing and won't feel a thing.  I'm subtle.  You'll see my power in November when 100% of voters go Obama.  That Mormon has no chance.  Even he will vote Democratic.  I'm all-knowing, all-seeing.  Believe that."

Obama Campaign Manager David Axelrod responded to Misto in a press release.

"We welcome the psychic asistance of the Great Misto.  Mind control has gotten many elected in the past.  We're quite relieved he's on side.  All hail Misto!"

The Romney campaign announced they will pit the Angel Moroni against Misto in November.

"Misto will open an industrial-size barrel of whup-ass come election day," said a Romney aide.  "And we'll find his hidden lair.  Our missionaries are knocking on extra doors looking for it.  Misto will go busto."

30 Years Later, Michelle Obama Still Can't Explain Hairdo

Three decades after posing for her high school yearbook photo, Michelle Obama can't explain her hairdo.

"I'm not sure what I was going for.  A mushroom?" replied the First Lady to reporters.  "Maybe I was trying to look like someone I'd seen in Ebony magazine or on Soul Train.  Did someone hang up a phone on my head?  Did I borrow those eyebrows from Eugene Levy?  Wow!  How I got from this to the cover of Vogue I'll never know."

Guess Who Came To Dinner?

                                                               The Alston family and guest.


The Alston family of Lutherville, Maryland sat down for an ordinary Tuesday night dinner when a knock on their door changed those plans.

"I thought it was strange," commented Julius Alston.  "We don't get company on Tuesday.  It's a school night.  I asked, 'Who is it?'  This woman says, 'Michelle'.  We know a Michelle from our church.  My wife has a cousin Michelle, but this voice was different.  I open the door, and who's standing there?  Michelle Obama."

"I'm hungry," the First Lady said.  "Got anything to eat?"

"She was alone.  No Secret Service, no nothing," continued Mr. Alston.  "I invited her in.  She sat down at the table, licked her lips."

"That looks good," Mrs. Obama said.  "I haven't eaten all day."

"We said Grace and she started shoveling it in like a field hand.  Had second helpings of everything.  She loves pork chops and Kool-Aid.  I always think of Michelle Obama as well-mannered, elegant.  She eats with her hands and burps real loud.  Surprised me and my wife."

"She kept on and on about Roswell, New Mexico, Area 51," added Mrs. Alston.  "What she'd seen.  Alien autopsies, spaceship debris.  Weird."

During their peach cobbler dessert, there came another knock at the door.

"It was the Secret Service," he said.  "They came in.  Michelle said, 'I ain't finished.'  They picked her up and carried her out, crumbs still on her lips.  Put her in an Escalade and she was gone.  No explanation, no nothing."

All the White House Press Office would say about the incident is that the First Lady is "adjusting her medication."

Michelle Obama "Shattered" By Death of George (Goober) Lindsey

White House sources claim First Lady Michelle Obama remains heartbroken by the death last month of actor George Lindsey who starred for years on TV's "Hee Haw".  Mrs. Obama remans in seclusion and has canceled her public appearances.

"Michelle is shattered by Goober's passing," confided Valerie Jarrett, a senior advisor to President Obama.  "He was not only her favorite actor but a close personal friend.  We're all trying to help Michelle get through the grieving process.  The President even does the 'Goober dance' for her.  It's no use.  She keeps rereading George's book, Goober In A Nutshell, and crying her eyes out."

Staffers worry that the distraught First Lady will be unable to go on the campaign trail this summer.  In between crying jags, Mrs. Obama keeps repeating, "Goober says hey.  Goober says hey."  It was the late actor's catch phrase.

Grief for Goober