First Lady Michelle Obama has launched the latest phase of her "Let's Move" campaign and targeted, in her words, "those incredibly lazy slobs in Walmart."
"For four years I've done everything to get pre-diabetic, nacho-munching slugs to get off their fat asses," Mrs. Obama fumed. "I dance with them. I hand out apples. They help me harvest yams in my organic garden. I'm exhausted just thinking about it."
"Despite my best efforts, the laziest Americans--Walmart shoppers--have not gotten with the program. That shit's gonna stop. I mean you, Keishona Wiggins."
|Keishona Wiggins, target of White House wrath|
Wiggins, an unemployed Houston resident and a Walmart regular, insists on being ferried around the store in a shopping cart. She's so opposed to walking that Wiggins refuses to even wear shoes.
"I'm tired," Wiggins explains. "I don't have no energy and run out of breath fast. What's wrong with me riding in a shopping cart? I ain't hurtin' nobody. Tell Michelle to shut up. Where the Hot Cheetos at?"
The First Lady vows to make surprise appearances at Walmart and to "dump Keishona on her lazy ass if she doesn't start walking."