Thousands Wait While Michelle Obama Takes Personal Call

A campaign rally that attracted 10,000 people in Waterloo, Iowa was delayed for twenty minutes today while First Lady Michelle Obama took a personal call from her hairdresser.

The hairdresser was using Air Force One to send Michelle her favorite shampoo.  He was double-checking on how many bottles.

"And don't forget conditioner and relaxer," she instructed while the crowd wilted in record heat.  "Lots of relaxer."

Paramedics treated eleven elderly locals for heat exhaustion.

After finally hanging up, the First Lady did not apologize.  She stared back at the crowd and said, "What?  First things first.  You're lucky I even showed up.  Where is this?"

Obamas And Bidens Convince You They're Happily Married

The Obamas and the Bidens insisted to a crowd of supporters that they are, in fact, happily married.  The crowd bought it.

"They look happy," pointed out New Hampshire resident Mary Anne Sneedon.  "See?  They're smiling.  That means they're happy."

"I haven't heard any rumors of divorce.  Have you?" asked Pete Dolan.

"They're holding up well under the pressure," observed J.J. Gillis.  "My wife's a real ballbuster and I wanna punch her out just about seven days a week.  I haven't seen Obama smack Michelle even once."

"I love gossip," admitted Mrs. Gillis.  "I look for stories about Barack's cheating but haven't found one.  Hard to believe a black man could be faithful for twenty years, but you never know.  He is half-white."

"I'm just glad I'm not married to either of those skanks," said a man who refused to give his name.

"Sick Of The Lies," Ann Romney Files For Divorce

"I've had it," screamed Ann Romney at her husband.  "I'm done.  I want a divorce.  I know I agreed to stay until the election, but I can't.  Not another minute.  No more campaigning in America's crappiest towns, eating horrible 'local fare' while smiling.  No more being relatable.  I'm extremely wealthy and you're not.  Tough.  Where are my servants?"

"I've met someone else.  His name is Jose.  Yes, our gardener.  He understands me.  He sees me as a woman with needs, not a smiling prop for Mitt's ego trip.  I took off my sacred garments and burned them.  From now on, it's me, Jose, and my horse.  So long, suckers."

Lucky 47 Percenters Accept Gifts From Generous Romney

Mitt Romney campaigned proudly on his horse, tossing coins and shiny trinkets to the unemployed of Flint, Michigan.  The grateful horde applauded the wealthy aristocrat, happily shoveling the horse's bowel movements as they rode past.

"I'm pleased to share my spare change and assorted baubles with these underachievers," smiled the candidate.  "I believe in giving back.  Not everyone gets an eight-million-dollar home to go with his twelve-million-dollar home.  How these folks get by with just one is beyond me.  Look at the tears of joy my largesse brings to these sunken faces.  See what a roll of dimes can do."

"Mitt's got my vote," gushed Mildred Datz as she rubbed two dimes together.  "He helps the little people."

A lone protestor was shouted down when he rudely complained of the tax breaks given to rich horse owners.

"There's always one party pooper," Romney sighed as he rode toward his limo.

Obama Assures Nation That Morgan Freeman's Alive

President Obama announced at the White House that Morgan Freeman, also known as the Voice of God, is alive and well despite his recent flop, The Magic of Belle Isle, a movie no one saw or heard of.

"Don't believe what's on the internet," Obama cautioned.  "Especially Facebook.  Bloggers will write anything.  I just spoke to Mister Freeman.  He's still with us and ready to star in more movies and receive more awards."

"I am definitely not dead," insisted the actor.  "I just ate a big dinner and am enjoying a liquer and a cigar right now.  Could a corpse do that?  When I die, I'll let you know."

Angry Romney: "No Crazy Chicks!"

Mitt Romney decreed today that he doesn't want any "crazy chicks" voting for him.

"Crazy chicks, give your vote to Obama," Romney insisted.  "He appreciates you.  Hell, he'd date you.  Give him your number."

When asked to define who he considers a "crazy chick," the candidate sighed and replied:

"Start with the female populations of Los Angeles, New York, Miami, San Francisco, Boston, and all the college towns.  Most crazy chicks went to college, encouraged by their crazy mothers.  Crazy chicks think their all-important career will save the planet and fulfill them, but not in that order."

"They drink too much, date too much, blame men, overshare, undertip, and place themselves at the center of the universe.  You know the type."



Hey, hey, ho, ho.  Crazy chicks have got to go.



Reacting to Romney

You know you're a crazy chick if you haul groceries in reusable cloth bags to your gas-guzzling SUV, which, of course, has no other passenger.

You know you're a crazy chick if you're carrying a yoga mat, a Kindle, cat food, but never a Bible or cash.

You know you're a crazy chick if you date black guys but will marry an Asian.

You know you're a crazy chick if you trade in the religion you were raised in for Buddhism or "being spiritual".

Crazy chicks reacted quickly to Romney's rejection.

"Fuck him, you know?" sneered Alissa.  "Who the fuck does he think he is?  Guys want me.  I'm hot.  Dude, I never leave a bar alone.  Drunk off my ass, but never alone."

Crazy chick doing laundry



Worn by President Obama

President Obama welcomed crazy chicks and acknowledged that he would date them.

President Speaks To Sheets, Pancakes, Shoelaces

Concerns about President Obama's mental stability deepened today as he told a campaign crowd that he enjoyed chatting with sheets, pancakes, and his shoelaces.

"I don't know about you," Obama said to voters in Florida, "but talking to sheets relaxes me.  Whether I'm nodding off for the night, or just waking up, a quick heart-to-heart with my pillowcases, sheets and quilts puts me in good spirits.  Some sheets are old friends.  We've been together for years.  Others, like in a hotel, are new acquaintances I'm excited to get to know.  They have a lot to say."

"And don't think you ever eat alone.  There may not be another human at the table, but your food can talk.  Pancakes, in particular, are chatty fellows.  Sausages, too.  The toaster tells me everything."

The President listed the many things he speaks with daily: TV remotes, dental floss, cigarettes, seashells, vitamins, and his shoelaces.

"There's no such thing as inanimate objects.  Everything's alive and can communicate.  I learned this as a boy in Hawaii.  Did you know pineapples can talk?"

Secret Service agents cut short the President's speech and hurried him into a waiting Escalade.  Before the doors closed, he was heard to say:

"We all know the expression 'if these walls could talk'.  Guess what?  They can!  Hi, Mister Car."

Honey Boo Boo Child Endorses Mountain Dew, Obama

"Thanks, Honey Boo Boo."


Kiddie beauty pageant winner and reality TV star, Honey Boo Boo Child, today endorsed Mountain Dew and President Obama.  She spoke from her Georgia home that's literally next to railroad tracks while guzzling Go Go Juice, a mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull given by her obese mother to pump up the six-year-old's pageant performances.

Mother and daughter.  Aww!

Mom's the self-proclaimed "Coupon Queen" who shops at a local Piggly Wiggly armed with fistfuls of coupons.

Obama Campaign Manager David Axelrod thanked Honey Boo Boo Child for her endorsement.

"We need the redneck vote," Axelrod explained.  "The kind of backwoods ass-scratchers who force six-year-olds into beauty pageants.  Parents who sugar up their kids and make them wear false eyelashes while bumping and grinding for strangers.  Crackers who keep pet pigs.  Hard to believe, but they are allowed to vote."



Coupon Queen and Mom



3,000 Pageviews: Thank You, America and Jackie Stallone!!!

Today, Obama Now News hit 3,000 pageviews.  Thanks, guys.  More fun coming.

Joe Biden To Democrats: Fuck You!

Vice President Joe Biden let the nation have it during an expletive-filled tirade at the Democratic National Convention.

"Fuck you," Biden said to the shocked delegates.  "Fuck all you fuckers!  Eat my shit, every last one of you.  No more Mister Nice Guy.  The gloves are off.  Obama's an asshole, a third-rate race hustler from one of America's worst ghettos.  Harvard, my ass.  High-tone, uppity half-breed!  I should be President, not him.  Why am I the bellhop?  I spent my career in Washington.  He breezes into town and right away it's--'I should be President.'  Egomaniac!  And that bitch of a wife.  I pissed on her organic garden.  I took a dump on her cookbook."

"I don't care if I'm committing career suicide.  I've had it.  The Democratic Party can kiss my saggy white ass.  If you weren't listening before, fuck you.  And fuck you.  And fuck you."

Biden then cursed each delegate personally.

After his speech, the Vice President went out for ice cream.

Michelle Obama Loves Luxury Lifestyle Paid For By Taxpayers; Wants More

First Lady Michelle Obama wants to continue her plush vacations, round-the-clock staff of servants, and glittering White House lifestyle.  She's lobbying for a four-year extension, all expenses paid.

Speaking from her heart and a teleprompter, Michelle read a speech that, like everything else, was prepared for her.

"I don't cook, clean, shop, make my bed, drive, or wash my own hair," she admitted.  "It's all done for me.  I don't even butter my toast.  Shit, that's a great deal.  I adore those trips to Spain, Aspen, Martha's Vineyard, and good old Hawaii.  They're even more fun when comped by you folks.  Air Force One is the only way to fly."

"More, more, more for me!"

"I will expect more parties during Barack's second term.  That would give Hollywood celebs the chance to worship at my Jimmy Choos.  I promise to wear even weirder outfits which the press will breathlessly deem chic.  There will be plenty of magazine covers, and  Barack promises more of his beloved Teachable Moments.  You're so lucky to have us."

Obama: I'm Having Affair With Betty White

Admitting to a weakness for "wrinkled, old white ladies," President Obama today revealed his long-running affair with Golden Girl Betty White.

"I guess Betty reminds me of my grandmother, the white one," said Obama.  "She's sort of a white mammy.  Betty's been my strange since I was in the Senate.  I can't love just one woman.  I'm a rolling stone like my father.  He couldn't settle down with my mother.  I can't just poke Michelle."

"Barack's no Mandingo, but he sure beats the hell out of Allen Ludden," said White, winking .  "The password is lust."

The lovers will campaign together, hitting swing states with large populations of the elderly.

"The ladies out there know what I'm talking about," purred White.  "Once you've had Barack, you don't go back.  Four more years in the sack!"

Before hooking up with White, Barack had affairs with Bea Arthur, Clara Peller, and Irene Ryan.



Presidential paramour, Clara Peller



Desperate Democrats: Eva Longoria?

Democrats desperate for ratings picked out-of-work actress Eva Longoria to address the nation and enlighten us.  Star of Senorita Justice and a former Miss Corpus Christi, the pint-sized Mexican-American is hoped to appeal to voters who can't or won't speak English.

"I am a role model for Latino youth," commented Eva.  "I'm from Shithole, Texas, twice-divorced, and yet I'm a millionaire.  Anyone can do it."

Longoria even created her own perfume--EVA by Eva Longoria--described as "a citrus floral eau de parfum".

Her acting credits also include Flight Attendant #3 on Beverly Hills 90210.

The Romneys Set For Remake of 'Mister Ed'; Clint Eastwood Voicing Horse



Ed and Wilbur move into the governor's mansion!

Mitt and Ann Romney will star in an HBO remake of the classic series Mister Ed.  Their horse, Rafalca, will play the title character.  Clint Eastwood has signed to provide the horse's voice.

Mitt plays Wilbur in the update set in the governor's mansion.  Ed is a dressage horse owned by the couple and offers his snide comments on the human characters, including their snobby wealthy friends, crooked local pols, Red Sox fans, and the surviving Kennedys.

"Ed gets me in plenty of trouble with wisecracks that people think are coming from me," explained Romney, chuckling.  "Ed snaps on Catholic priests, Irish drunks, ghetto blacks, Harvard Jews, and anyone not speaking English.  I take the rap, of course, and get slammed as a racist ventriloquist, Edgar Bergen gone over the edge."

How will the governor get re-elected when the media portrays him as unbalanced and bigoted?  His wife has to convince voters he's a good man, husband, and church elder.  That won't be easy when Ed is outside their church yelling obscenities at the congregation!

"It will be fun," enthused Ann.  "Working with Mitt and Rafalca is a dream come true.  Mitt's a real ham, and you will believe a horse can talk."



This time, Clint's the horse!

The Romneys' five sons and eighteen grandchildren will appear on the show.  Each son will be married to an illegal alien, giving Ed plenty of ammo to crack wise on "slopes, wogs, and wetbacks".
The pilot's being written by Aaron (West Wing) Sorkin who jumped at the chance to make a statement using politics and a talking horse.


"Wilburrrrr"