Betty White Marries Dog

The groom licks the bride

TV's Golden Girl is also a Ggrrr Girl.  Betty White today married a Jack Russell Terrier she met only a month ago at a shelter.

"The heart wants what the heart wants," cooed White.  "Being from a different species should not be a barrier if both parties sincerely love each other.  I'm proud to be a pioneer.  Inter-species marriage is the new same-sex marriage.  You can learn a lot from an old gal like me."

Valerie Bertinelli, White's co-star on Hot In Cleveland, commented tersely on the marriage.

"I knew she'd snap."

 

Travolta, Kilmer and Kirstie Star in "The Expandables"

John Travolta, Val Kilmer and Kirstie Alley are set to star in The Expandables.   The film chronicles the trio's attempt to eat everything in sight.  The film is being produced next year by the Weinstein Company.

I used to be Batman.

Yum yum.  Eat 'em up.

The film, whose full title is The Expandables: Which Way To The Buffet?, co-stars Edward Furlong and Chaz Bono.  Over ninety per cent of the film's $26 million budget is for craft service.

If the first film is a hit, the actors will do a sequel, Expandables 2: Out Of Mayo.

Cry-baby Obama Re-Elected; Romney Still Rich $*$*$

His time of the month?



America's first mulatto President got re-elected, convincing millions they still live in a democracy.  Obama read his victory speech off a teleprompter while Michelle booked her next vacation using Air Force One.  Obama's daughters were used, as always, as props to boost their parents' careers.

After voting, Americans immediately returned to watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," overeating, looking for a job, and thinking about sex.

Mitt in happier times

Mitt Romney faces a bleak future of unemployment cushioned only by a net worth of $250 million.  Sources predict he will shuttle aimlessly between his $8 million New Hampshire home and his $12 million California home.

"My husband's in his sixties," sighed a shattered Ann Romney, fighting back tears.  "Where is he going to find work in this economy?"

Mrs. Romney then hugged her dressage horse but none of her twenty grandchildren whom she despises.

Mr. Romney is expected to continue coloring his gray hair.  He heads for Hollywood next week to auditions as a game show host or weatherman.

"It's okay," noted Romney.  "I got wads of fuck-you money while Big Ears has an economy down the shitter and four thankless years as a lame duck.  Who's better off?"

Children Frightened By Barbara Walters' Face

Children across the nation were scared by the facelifted puss of Barbara Walters which appeared without warning on home TV screens.

Two of the victims

"Skyler dropped her juice box and ran screaming out of the room," said Betty Maxon of Kenosha, Wisconsin.  "Skyler's only three and has never seen Walters before.  She wasn't ready and scares easily.  The sight of so much plastic surgery on one face was just too much.  She cried for hours."

Walters was on Good Morning America helping raise funds for victims of Hurricane Sandy.

"I'm all for telethons," said Claire Humphries, mother of terrified son, Daniel, sixteen months.  "Did they have to use that crone?  Witchiepoo would be better, or Skeletor.  Walters is scarier than Meg Ryan without makeup.  Hey, ABC, warn us next time."

Angry Obama Slaps 'Bronco Bama' Girl

President Obama made an unscheduled stop in Colorado Thursday so that he could bitch-slap Abigael Evans, the four-year-old who mispronounced his name and became a YouTube sensation.

"You bet I hit her," sneered Obama.  "I'm the goddamn Commander-In-Chief.  Get the name right.  She has no excuse.  She gets Hello Kitty right.  What's so hard about Barack Obama?  I slapped her mom, too.  Racist crackers."

"I thought about sending Malia to slap her, but, shit, I wanted to.  Felt good.  Here's your teachable moment."

Obama got back on Air Force One and flew to his next fund-raiser.

10,000 Pageviews! Milestone, Baby, Milestone!

October kicked serious ass as Obama Now News roared past 10,000 pageviews.

Woo-hoo!  Open the champagne!


Our fans celebrate.

Love her or hate her, hyperactive Honey Boo Boo is our new break-out star.  Readers can't get enough of this kiddie-pageant cracker.  She's the babbling Baby New Year that snatched the queen's crown away from geriatric Jackie Stallone.  That's show biz.

Congratulatory calls and e-mails flood our office.  We've heard from Michelle Obama, Snooki, Count Chocula, Heckle and Jeckle, Mitt and Ann, Joe Biden, an envious Donald Trump, a hungry Chris Christie, SpongeBob, Newt Gingrich, Antonio Fargas, the loge of Dodger Stadium, Navy SEALS Team 6, Lindsay Lohan, Helen Thomas, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, and that hard-to-understand Huffington broad.

Diana Ross is happy for us.

Ain't no stoppin' us now!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN from Obama Now News!

Ann Romney Makes Meat Loaf; Meat Loaf Endorses Romney; Coincidence?

Just days after Ann Romney made meat loaf on Rachael Ray's cooking show, her husband was endorsed by Meat Loaf.

"The fix was in," said President Obama.  "Ann Romney's meat loaf recipe will attract women voters while middle-aged white men who know every song from Bat Out Of Hell go Republican.  Well-played, Mitt."

The meat loaf/Meat Loaf tie-in is earning praise and criticism among political pundits.  Conservatives see it as brilliant cross-gender marketing.

"The Romneys' net worth tops $250 million, yet here's Ann playing happy housewife, hands deep in the ground beef, while Mitt pretends he loves "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights," gushed Karl Rove.  "That's relatable.  Beats some bullshit organic garden."

"Oh, please," groaned Democratic consultant James Carville.  "Uptight Mormon Mitt has Meat Loaf on his iPod?  He's been to a midnight screening of Rocky Horror?  He's ever heard of Rocky Horror?  Ann Romney still cooks?  Kiss my Cajun ass."

Little-Known Endorsements Of The Candidates

Kimmy, Bradley, no Chad

When major newspapers or large unions endorse a candidate, it's news.  President Obama and Mitt Romney also receive the endorsements of small, obscure groups.  A partial list:

Endorsing Romney

The Aluminum Study Group

Toll Booth Collectors For Christ

VHS Forever!

Pom Pom Manufacturers of America

Bayonet Club

Quiet Desperation.Com
Dressage Divas
Concealed Weapons Lodge 58
Daily Aspirin Advocates
Cloth Napkin Revivalists
Mormon Millionaires Only
Nevada's Awkward Dancers
Bomb Threat Boosters


Endorsing Obama

Truck Stop Hookers United
Buckwheat 4-Ever
Fresno Snails & Nails
Mormon Conspiracy Watch
Undocumented Cashiers
Hangnail Survivors Network
Midwest Flossing Pharmacists
UNQY
Indigent Scrapbookers of Maine
Mulattos, Octoroons & Others
Kimmy, Bradley, and Chad

"Stranger Danger?" Not At Our Airports!

With the holidays fast approaching and millions of families planning to fly, President Obama and the First Lady prepared America's kids for heightened airport security.  They read aloud the book My First Cavity Search to a group of second-graders invited to the White House.

"Our kids need to be ready for that first flight to Grandma's or that Thanksgiving family reunion," stressed the First Lady.  "Having a stranger's hands on your body is part of the journey.  Wanding can be fun if you make a game of it.  And, kids, there's no cause for alarm about radiation from airport scanners.  They're safe.  I promise."

"TSA agents are carefully screened to weed out most pedophiles," added the President.  That strange man's hand on your butt or tummy means that America is safe.  The terrorists lose."


A friend



Romney's Future: Jeopardy or Wheel Of Fortune?

Wheel or Jeopardy?

 Future game show host Mitt Romney faces the biggest decision of his career: whether to replace Pat Sajak or Alex Trebek.  Offers are on the table from both shows which want to reboot in 2013 with a fresh face.

"It's a no-brainer," notes Wheel Of Fortune Executive Producer Gary Sveda.  "Mitt looks and sounds like a genial game show host, someone you'd invite into your living room every night at seven.  He's got the grin and twinkling eyes older ladies love.  The touch of gray lends him gravitas.  He's perfect."

Jeopardy sweetened their offer today by including jobs for Romney's five sons.  "They can go get coffee," explained director Richard Evans.  "We'll do anything to sign Mitt.  I'll put his damn dressage horse on the show.  He can ride it onstage."

Asked for his reaction, a drunken Alex Trebek said, "I knew Art Fleming.  I drank with Art Fleming.  Mitt Romney is no Art Fleming.  Bastard."

Pat Sajak was unavailable due to a prior commitment at Pinkberry.

Vanna White said she'd welcome Romney "with open arms."

Sources at the Romney campaign revealed they are also exploring the possibility of Romney becoming a TV weatherman, the "white Al Roker."

Jackie Stallone Angry Over Honey Boo Boo's Fame

Celebrity crone Jackie Stallone vows revenge over being eclipsed on Obama Now News by Honey Boo Boo, our newly-crowned Queen of Pageviews and America's Sweetheart.  Honey's October Surprise has left Jackie growling in the dust.



Puts evil eye on Honey

"That little cracker has some nerve," growled Jackie through her dentures.  "I've been an award-winning astrologer and mother of celebrities for decades.  I put the evil eye on Honey.  Malocchio!  She better be careful crossing the street."

Honey Boo Boo had no comment since she's never heard of Jackie Stallone, Sylvester Stallone, or Frank Stallone.  She guzzled some Go Go Juice and burped.

Who Farted?

One of the candidates during the second debate farted, according to moderator Candy Crowley.  President Obama sniffed first and held his nose.  He scowled at Mitt Romney who shook his head.

"It ain't me, babe.  Whoever smelt it, dealt it," insisted Romney, pointing at Obama.

"No way, Jose," denied Obama, pointing back at Romney.  "It's a broccoli fart, and I had steak and potatoes for dinner.  "Fess up, Farty."

The White House announced that Romney's nerves caused the gas as well as his coining of the bizarre phrase "binders full of women."

Honey Boo Boo Says Obama Won Debate

In between heavy slugs of her beloved "Go Go Juice," and while being made up for another kiddie beauty pageant, reality star Honey Boo Boo declared President Obama the winner of the second debate.

Refering to the President as "that Obama-wama," the seven-year-old flashed a V for victory sign while channel-surfing cartoons.  She gave a thumbs down to "Omni Romney" while making farting noises.  Honey then joined her mother for a Moon Pie run to Piggly Wiggly.

America Loves Honey Boo Boo, Mud Wrestling, Jackie Stallone, and The Bedazzler!

America, you've spoken, and we hear you.  Readers of Obama Now News picked their favorite current subjects.  They are mud wrestling, Jackie Stallone, Honey Boo Boo, and that plastic thing sold on TV, the Bedazzler.  President Obama and Mitt Romney did not make the list.

"Who knew?" wondered the blog's editor and CEO, Andre Higgins-McMickens.  "This shit's wild, a total surprise.  Mud wrestling?  There's a Presidential election and our readers couldn't care less.  Bring on Honey Boo Boo or that old-crow moms of Stallone."

"The blog's got 5,000 pageviews.  Honey Boo Boo and I thank you."

Romney Will Outsource Big Bird To Philippines



Big Bird's Bummed

While admitting he "loves Big Bird," Mitt Romney today vowed to outsource the character, replacing it with a much cheaper version in the Philippines.

"The PBS Big Bird, of course, is overpaid and costing taxpayers a fortune.  I will put an end to that," promised Romney.  "We've identified a Big Bird in Manila who will work for a fraction of the salary.  Their Big Bird speaks English, although with a weird accent.  Americans will recognize the accent from countless customer service agents who call them during dinner."

"Filipino Big Bird will help us bring down the deficit without removing a beloved character from our kids' childhoods.  I've tested Filipino Big Bird on my own grandchildren.  They adore him, and he's teaching them Tagalog, which is useful when dealing with household staff."

The Romney Plan was not received well on Sesame Street.  A nervous Elmo was overheard on the phone with his agent.



Days numbered?



Count Chocula Endorses Obama

In a history-making announcement, Count Chocula today endorsed Barack Obama's re-election.  This is the first time a breakfast cereal ventured into Presidential politics.

"I can't vote because I'm animated, but you can," the Count said.  "I back Barack.  I do so despite the fact that his bitch of a wife opposes sugary cereals.  Is she a nutritionist?  I think not."

"In the cereal world, we give prizes in the box.  If you vote for Obama, I'll send you a great prize.  Choose either a Wacky Wobbler of moi or my hit record, "Count Chocula Goes To Hollywood."

The Count's counterparts, Boo Berry and Frankenberry, are registered Republicans and are scheduled for campaign stops with Mitt Romney in coming weeks.

Nation Avoids First Debate With Reruns, Drinking



Skipping debate

 American voters ran the other way during the first Presidential debate, preferring to watch or do anything else.

"No way do I have time for those two douchebags," admitted Long Island's Manny Rivera.  "I could give a shit what those liars say.  One-hundred-percent bullshit.  There's a pizza and a Facts Of Life marathon with my name on it."

"I'm heading for my local gin mill and watching the game," said Ed Riley of Colorado.  "I'm gettin' shitfaced, bro, no debate about it."



Barflies debate tits, not politics

"Isn't the election over yet?" sighed Denise Hampton in Tampa.  "Drags on forever.  I'm doing laundry and babysitting my grandson while his mom works late.  Listen to millionaires blow smoke up my ass?  Ain't happenin'.  Is the colored guy still President?"

"Debate?  Anything but that," said R.J. Browne of Austin.  "Read Groupons, shuck oysters, match socks, floss.  Anything!  Suggest something."



Not watching debate, either



Michelle Obama Debuts 'Fuck You' Dress

First Lady Michelle Obama debuted her special 'Fuck You' dress last night at a campaign rally in North Carolina.

"I've been holding on to this, waiting for the right moment," she told the crowd of supporters.  I couldn't wait to wear it and show you what I really think of you.  Now you know."

Onlookers were stunned by the hideous frock which seemed made of random scraps sewn together by the blind.

"I don't get it," said Audrey Padin.  "Michelle is always described as fashionable, but this is a fashion fiasco.  Yuck!"

"She must really hate us to wear that," added Sid Walton.  "I feel like she took a dump on my head."

"I didn't hear a word she said," noted Ellen Capuano.  "I'm still in shock.  Why not just give us the finger?"

"Who's dressing her?" wondered Padin.  "Jose Feliciano?"



WTF?



Michelle Obama "Ain't Taking Shit From Anybody"

First Lady Michelle Obama revealed today that during the closing weeks of the campaign she would not be "taking shit from anybody."

"And I mean anybody," FLOTUS explained.  "That includes Republicans, the Tea Party, birthers, Limbaugh, Fox News, that loudmouth Trump, and white people in general, especially all them Romneys.  Just start something and you'll see what you'll get.  More than a hit upside your head."

"Don't be talking smack about me or Barack.  Don't question my vacations or how we got into Harvard Law School.  Don't question our lack of white friends or our close ties to Reverend Wright.  Don't ask how I got that high-paying job at a Chicago hospital when I have no medical training.  And you better not doubt Barack's marital fidelity."

"Say positive things about my motherhood, my clothes, and organic garden, my changing school lunches despite not being a nutritionist.  You better buy my cookbook!"

Thousands Wait While Michelle Obama Takes Personal Call

A campaign rally that attracted 10,000 people in Waterloo, Iowa was delayed for twenty minutes today while First Lady Michelle Obama took a personal call from her hairdresser.

The hairdresser was using Air Force One to send Michelle her favorite shampoo.  He was double-checking on how many bottles.

"And don't forget conditioner and relaxer," she instructed while the crowd wilted in record heat.  "Lots of relaxer."

Paramedics treated eleven elderly locals for heat exhaustion.

After finally hanging up, the First Lady did not apologize.  She stared back at the crowd and said, "What?  First things first.  You're lucky I even showed up.  Where is this?"

Obamas And Bidens Convince You They're Happily Married

The Obamas and the Bidens insisted to a crowd of supporters that they are, in fact, happily married.  The crowd bought it.

"They look happy," pointed out New Hampshire resident Mary Anne Sneedon.  "See?  They're smiling.  That means they're happy."

"I haven't heard any rumors of divorce.  Have you?" asked Pete Dolan.

"They're holding up well under the pressure," observed J.J. Gillis.  "My wife's a real ballbuster and I wanna punch her out just about seven days a week.  I haven't seen Obama smack Michelle even once."

"I love gossip," admitted Mrs. Gillis.  "I look for stories about Barack's cheating but haven't found one.  Hard to believe a black man could be faithful for twenty years, but you never know.  He is half-white."

"I'm just glad I'm not married to either of those skanks," said a man who refused to give his name.

"Sick Of The Lies," Ann Romney Files For Divorce

"I've had it," screamed Ann Romney at her husband.  "I'm done.  I want a divorce.  I know I agreed to stay until the election, but I can't.  Not another minute.  No more campaigning in America's crappiest towns, eating horrible 'local fare' while smiling.  No more being relatable.  I'm extremely wealthy and you're not.  Tough.  Where are my servants?"

"I've met someone else.  His name is Jose.  Yes, our gardener.  He understands me.  He sees me as a woman with needs, not a smiling prop for Mitt's ego trip.  I took off my sacred garments and burned them.  From now on, it's me, Jose, and my horse.  So long, suckers."

Lucky 47 Percenters Accept Gifts From Generous Romney

Mitt Romney campaigned proudly on his horse, tossing coins and shiny trinkets to the unemployed of Flint, Michigan.  The grateful horde applauded the wealthy aristocrat, happily shoveling the horse's bowel movements as they rode past.

"I'm pleased to share my spare change and assorted baubles with these underachievers," smiled the candidate.  "I believe in giving back.  Not everyone gets an eight-million-dollar home to go with his twelve-million-dollar home.  How these folks get by with just one is beyond me.  Look at the tears of joy my largesse brings to these sunken faces.  See what a roll of dimes can do."

"Mitt's got my vote," gushed Mildred Datz as she rubbed two dimes together.  "He helps the little people."

A lone protestor was shouted down when he rudely complained of the tax breaks given to rich horse owners.

"There's always one party pooper," Romney sighed as he rode toward his limo.

Obama Assures Nation That Morgan Freeman's Alive

President Obama announced at the White House that Morgan Freeman, also known as the Voice of God, is alive and well despite his recent flop, The Magic of Belle Isle, a movie no one saw or heard of.

"Don't believe what's on the internet," Obama cautioned.  "Especially Facebook.  Bloggers will write anything.  I just spoke to Mister Freeman.  He's still with us and ready to star in more movies and receive more awards."

"I am definitely not dead," insisted the actor.  "I just ate a big dinner and am enjoying a liquer and a cigar right now.  Could a corpse do that?  When I die, I'll let you know."