An unprecented coalition of American wildlife vows to leave the United States should Paul Ryan be elected Vice President. The animals made their announcement in the woods outside Ryan's home in Janesville, Wisconsin.
W.A.R., Wildlife Against Ryan, spoke to reporters about the Republican candidate who boasts of catching catfish with his bare hands.
"Ryan's a cold-blooded murderer. He must be stopped," insisted a spokes-turkey who requested anonymity. "We're warning all carnivores. Elect this killer and we're out of here. We go to Canada. You can eat Chick-fil-A on Thanksgiving."
"He kills us and eats us," added a spokes-deer. "He turned my cousin into sausages. The man's a psycho."
"If I want to kill God's creatures, that's my business," Ryan fired back. "They were put here so I can shore up any doubts people have about my masculinity. I never feel better than when Bambi's dead mother is tied to the hood of my Jeep. Yum, yum."
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