Convention "Too Damn Noisy" For Crankiest Delegate



"Shut the hell up," Mrs. Brighton told bozo behind her.



The Republican National Convention in Tampa got a big thumb's down from its oldest delegate, Mabel Brighton, 92, of South Dakota.  She thinks it's too noisy.

"Why all the hubbub?" wondered Mrs. Brighton, rolling her now cataract-free eyes.  "Never heard such a fuss, such carrying on.  Hurts my ears."

"That band's so loud.  Are they drunk?  I hate that rock and roll.  The singer's awful.  Yuck!  Wasn't Perry Como available?"

Como passed away in 2001.  So did Mrs. Brighton's husband.

"Wilbur's rolling in his grave because of all this brouhaha.  Disgraceful.  I'm writing my Congressman."


Annoying Mrs. Brighton

"Left my ear plugs back at the hotel.  Would you be a dear and go get them?  What?  What?  Speak up.  I can't hear you."

White Republicans Polite To Black Woman

White Republicans convening in Tampa were consistently polite to a black woman with the bizarre name of Condoleeza.

"I didn't catch her name," said Ellen Durst, a delegate from Iowa.  "She looks a little familiar, but I can't place her.  Is she from a sitcom or Grey's Anatomy?  Maybe one of the doctors?"

"I heard her name," added Richard Bloss, another Iowa delegate.  "It's one of those weird black names, like Condominium, or Condiment.  She used to work in the White House as a tour guide or something.  I spent most of her speech in the bathroom."

"She looks like our maid back at the Marriott," suggested Ruth Ellis, a delegate's wife from Utah.  "She speaks very well.  None of that ghetto jive I never understand."

Ann Romney's Talking Horse Gets TV Show

Ann Romney's dressage horse, Rafalca, is signed to star in its own sitcom on NBC this fall.

"I've been hoping for my own sitcom since Mitt blew the White House gig," Rafalca said.  "I want to be the new Mister Ed, a wisecracking horse smarter than his owners.  I'm certainly brainier than those two bobble-heads who bought me.  Dead from the neck up.  They make the Howells from Gilligan's Island look like Rhodes Scholars."

"It's payback time for making me prance around like a dipshit and wear cute hats.  I'm a horse!  Christ, put me in a race, harness me to a plow, but don't dress me up!  Ugh.  Ann's snooty, clueless, whitebread friends are the worst.  Country-club clowns and closet alcoholics.  Only the inbred upper class could dream up something as stupid as dressage."

Rafalca's full interview with Matt Lauer can be seen on the Today Show's Web site.

                                         Romney's Rafalca is the next Mister Ed

Fatso Governor Eats Delegate, Apologizes

Gigantic Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, finished his keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, couldn't find the buffet, and ate a delegate instead.

"I panicked," confessed Christie.  "I was starving after not eating for fifteen minutes.  I wanted to snack during my speech, but Mitt thought it would look bad.  I got lost looking for the buffet, grabbed the first piece of meat within reach.  That happened to be Harold W. Lund, delegate from South Carolina.  I rarely resort to cannibalism, but my stomach got the best of me.  I have apologized to Mr. Lund's wife and children.  I promise not to do it again."

Governor Christie then made the rounds of the hundreds of food trucks which drove to Tampa at his request.

Ann Romney Publishes "Dressage For Dummies"

                                Local beer guzzlers join Ann to cheer on horses of the rich

Rich lady Ann Romney is going toe-to-toe with Michelle Obama in a battle of the books.  Romney is counterattacking the First Lady's organic gardening book with her own tome, Dressage For Dummies.

"Two can play at this game," snapped the equestrian.  "I'm taking dressage out of the mansions, restricted country clubs, and V.I.P. tents and bringing it to where ordinary slobs are - trailer parks.  Sure the horses cost six figures, but underachievers can watch their wealthy betters indulge our weird fetishes."

"My book also includes useful advice on turning your four-legged friend into a sizable tax deduction.  That's just what Mitt and I do.  We claimed a $77,000 loss on our horse, and it's all "legal".

Mrs. Romney dedicates the book to her horse and write-off, Rafalca (below).

Ann Romney Shocker: "I Hate Kids!"

                                                            "Kids?  Don't have them!"

Mitt Romney's wife Ann shocked the nation tonight when she admitted that she hates children.

"Nothing will turn you against kids faster than having them," said the mother of five.  "My dreams of a child-free marriage disappeared.  I probably could have handled one but five?  Forget it.  I was a slave to diapers, dirty dishes, runny noses, whining that never stopped.  Still can't remember their names, and I'm sure raising those little bastards gave me cancer."

                                                        Craig and Josh: hated by Mom

"There was many a night when I was tempted to just let those brats drown in the tub.  It would've given me time for my first love - horses."

"Now I'm saddled with eighteen grandchildren.  Just shoot me."

Prince Harry Dances Nude For Republicans

                                                                     Horny Harry


Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Harry is returning to the United States to dance nude at the Republican National Convention.  Harry's hoping to launch a career as a male exotic dancer/stripper.  He will bill himself as Horny Harry, the Royal Who's Randy.

"I feel so much freer in America," the Prince admitted.  "They're always drunk and crazy.  It's a party 24/7.  And American girls never heard of the word 'no'.  The ass is amazing."

Harry was inspired by this summer's hit stripper movie, "Magic Mike."

"Dude, that flick changed my life, opened my royal eyes.  Why hang out in drafty castles with ancient butlers when I could be shaking my junk at overserved bachelorette parties?  Fuck yeah!  Jager shots on me!"

"Thanks to Harry, we'll actually have viewers," gushed a grateful Mitt Romney.  "Skin is in, and I promise he'll go the Full Monty."

                                                                      "He's what?"

Food Trucks Converge On Tampa; Christie's Coming

                                  "I'm going to the Republican National Convention.  Are you?"


Multi-chinned overeater, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, is asking food truck owners nationwide to drive to Tampa and work throughout the Republican National Convention.

"I'm very worried that I won't get enough to eat," noted Christie.  "There'll be fierce competition with fatsos from all fifty states.  Tampa's restaurants will be taxed by record demand.  I'm especially appealing to trucks that serve fried food.  I need to carb up before my big speech.  Don't want to be lightheaded when I attack that stringbean Obama.  Bring it all - sausages, hoagies, cupcakes, noodles, dim sum, waffles."

                                                             Tampa, here we come!

"I'm also bringing suitcases filled with food.  That may not be enough."

                                                  The Governor's food-filled luggage

Stallone Beats Mud-Wrestling Romneys and Obamas

                                                      "I'm number one!  I'm number one!"

Obama Now News today announced that its recent article on Jackie Stallone beat its article on the Obama vs. Romney mud-wrestling bout, becoming the most popular piece in the blog's history.

"Major props to Jackie Stallone," said Andre Higgins-McMickens, the blog's editor-in-chief.  "Jackie zoomed past mud-wrestling in pageviews in record time.  The lady is not to be messed with.  Jackie's the Rocky of the blogosphere."

"Of course I'm on top," crowed Jackie in victory.  "I predicted it, and I'm never taking a backseat to those scrawny Obama girls rolling around in the mud with the Mormons.  People want to read about me.  I'm ninety and hotter than ever.  Look out, internet.  Jackie's kicking ass and taking names."

Higgins-McMickens then helped Jackie down the stairs while promising additional coverage to feed the public's insatiable hunger for more about this dazzling star.

I'm Going To The Republican National Convention. Are You?

                                                               Rockin' for Romney

Scary guitarist G.E. Smith, who lead the band on Saturday Night Live, toured with Bob Dylan and David Bowie, is heading up the house band at the Republican Convention in Tampa.  Yes, Republicans have a house band.

Booze, You Lose At Republican Convention

                                                            Not Welcome In Tampa


Officials announced that no alcohol will be served at the upcoming Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida.

"Boozehounds better sober up or stay out of Tampa," warned Mitt Romney.  "I see you staggering on the convention floor, your butt's getting kicked to the curb.  No exceptions.  No BYOB."

The Romney campaign released photos to illustrate what behavior won't be permitted during the convention.  A sample:

                                                       Don't even think of trying this!


                   
                                                  Hey, buddy, stay outta Tampa!


Convention officials will allow hookers.

Jackie Stallone Predicts Helen Thomas Needs Makeover

The world's premiere psychic, astrologist, and rumpologist--Jackie Stallone--predicts that retired White House reporter Helen Thomas "really" needs a makeover.

"Get with it, Helen," Jackie confides.  "The Witchiepoo look ain't working.  Glamour is a gal's best friend.  Look at me.  Let's chop off at least half of that nose.  Nip and tuck the jowls.  Give the clown makeup back to Bozo.  And a comb would be nice.  Old can be hot if you work it right."

                                                                    Witchiepoo?

"Jackie Stallone will never be mistaken for Jackie Kennedy, maybe Edgar Kennedy," shot back Thomas.  "I should take beauty advice from her?  Look in the mirror, if you have one that isn't cracked.  Who redid your lips?  Goodyear?  Stick to rumpology, whatever the hell that is.  I look cute."

                                                                        "Cute"

"Look, Pickle-Puss, don't start in with me," Jackie cracked.  "I'll send Sly and Frank over to beat your pruney ass."

                                      Jackie also predicts there will be an "Expendables 3"

Trump Beaten For Worst Combover Award

                                                               Sheldon trumps Trump!


Donald Trump lost to Sheldon Adelson in the 2012 Worst Combover Competition (Billionaire Casino Boss Division).

"I gave it my best shot," conceded Trump.  "My combover takes hours to style and freeze in place with hairspray.  Nobel Prize winners and NASA consult on the aerodynamics of my do.  I spare no expense."

Trump lost to the eighth wealthiest American, the litigious Mr. Adelson, a man we respect above all others.

While accepting the honor, Mr. Adelson also denied rumors that he is Joe Franklin.

Turkeys and Deer Will Leave USA If Paul Ryan's Elected

                                            Any last words?   "Gobble, gobble...ow."

An unprecented coalition of American wildlife vows to leave the United States should Paul Ryan be elected Vice President.  The animals made their announcement in the woods outside Ryan's home in Janesville, Wisconsin.

W.A.R., Wildlife Against Ryan, spoke to reporters about the Republican candidate who boasts of catching catfish with his bare hands.

"Ryan's a cold-blooded murderer.  He must be stopped," insisted a spokes-turkey who requested anonymity.  "We're warning all carnivores.  Elect this killer and we're out of here.  We go to Canada.  You can eat Chick-fil-A on Thanksgiving."

"He kills us and eats us," added a spokes-deer.  "He turned my cousin into sausages.  The man's a psycho."

                                                             Another one bites the dust

"If I want to kill God's creatures, that's my business," Ryan fired back.  "They were put here so I can shore up any doubts people have about my masculinity.  I never feel better than when Bambi's dead mother is tied to the hood of my Jeep.  Yum, yum."

                                                                      "Fuck 'em."

We Don't Know What This Is, But It Creeps Us Out

Biden Foulmouthed And Furious About Lack Of Hair

Expletive-loving Vice President Joe Biden lashed out today because he has the least hair of the four men running for the White House.  He's pretty much bald.

"Goddamn Romney and Ryan.  Look at their hair.  Now look at mine and try not to throw up.  The transplants help, but I'm still shit-out-of-luck.  Then there's my wrinkled, jowly puss.  How does Romney do it?  A bit of hair dye and he looks like Robert Wagner.  Christ!  Mormon prick."

"And Barack's another lucky son of a bitch.  Nice nappy hair, no bald spot.  Makes me look even older than McCain.  Ya'll have no idea."

Biden finished his tirade with a string of expletives while slapping several babies.

                                      The Secret Service's code name for Biden is Pluggy.

Your Baby Is Safe With Paul Ryan...For Now

Babies can relax if they meet vice-presidential candidate and bow-hunter Paul Ryan.  Apparently, he does not hunt humans.  Yet.

"I enjoy killing and eating animals," Ryan said.  "I grind them up into sausages.  I catch catfish with my bare hands.  I want to state categorically for the record that I don't hunt humans.  I think about it, of course.  What manly huntsman doesn't?  I draw the line at people.  And barring the total collapse of civilization during Obama's second term, I promise not to shoot persons.  So, all those babies I meet on the campaign trail can relax."

Jennifer Alvarez, mother of two-year-old Evan, attended a Ryan appearance in Wichita.  "Ryan was nice to Evan, but he had a weird gleam in his eye.  Looked like he was sizing Evan up.  He asked me how fast Evan can run.  I didn't like that."

Paul Ryan Laughs At Your Net Worth

Millionaire Paul Ryan laughed at the net worths of passengers on a flight from Cleveland to Charlotte.  Ryan busted a gut during his questioning of those flying coach.

"You're kidding, right?" he asked a teacher.  The teacher shook her head, making Ryan double over.  "Shit.  I'm dying."

"How many trust funds?" the candidate asked.  When no hands went up, Ryan giggled non-stop for nine minutes while holding his fingers in the L shape for loser.

"This is the Loser Cruiser.  Christ, this might as well be a bus through Harlem."

Ryan returned to his seat in First Class, wiping tears and rolling his eyes.

Romney Adds Republican To Ticket

In a move that shocked Washington and the nation, Mitt Romney added a Republican to his ticket.  Online rumors that he would add a robot or a registered sex offender proved to be false.

"I believe America needs a former frat boy who wears ill-fitting, off-the-rack suits," said Romney.  "Someone who won't embarrass me at the country club even though he's Catholic.  A full head of hair was also a prerequisite.  Paul Ryan is that man."

Registered sex offenders expressed disappointment at not being picked but quickly returned to playgrounds and restrooms.

                                             Voted "Biggest Brown-noser" in high school

Jackie Stallone Predicts Pisces Romney Will Win

World-famous astrologer and psychic Jackie Stallone has consulted the stars and learned that Mitt Romney will win the election in November.

"I'm 100% positive Mitt's the man," revealed the author of "Starpower," a detailed and authoritative guide to the zodiac.  "I did Mitt's chart, and victory is in the stars.  I back that up as Dean of the University of Astrology and as America's foremost rumpologist."

Dean Jackie added, "And stop saying I look like Carrot Top.  It ain't funny."

When told Jackie Stallone is predicting his victory at the polls, Romney replied, "Who?"