Melvin Birgans Not Related To Obamas

Arrested as part of a major drug bust on Chicago's South Side, Melvin Birgans told police tonight he is not a relative of the President or First Lady.

"I ain't never met them," Birgans said during booking.  "Nah.  I checked with my auntie.  She say they not family.  My auntie's never wrong.  I wish we was related so I could get my ass paroled or pardoned or somethin'.  Shit."

The White House Press Office confirmed that Mr. Birgans and his auntie are not related to the Obamas.