Flash Mobs Loving Obama

Flash mobs throughout the U.S. are unanimous in their support of President Obama.  Gangs of thieves surveyed in Chicago, Atlanta, Boston, New York and the nation's capital will vote for the Democratic incumbent come November.

                                                                   Mr. Jer'rell Young

While walking out of a Chicago men's clothing store with a pair of $200 Nudie jeans, Jer'rell Young said, "Barack's got my vote.  As long as I'm not busy stealing my fall outfits, Ima stop by my polling place.  It's my civic duty."

Ashanti Edwards, both hands full with bags of Cheetos, wore an Obama t-shirt and explained how she and her friends choose where to shop in Atlanta.

                                                              Ms. Ashanti Edwards

"This here shit ain't random.  Yo.  We doin' special mob tributes.  Did one for Whitney Houston.  One for Don Cornelius.  It's about respect.  And I got four wigs."

                                                           LaKeishia Boyd and friend

"It's in the Bible," added Baltimore's LaKeishia Boyd. "The Lord helps those who help themselves.  I helped myself to new Nikes."

Obama Campaign Manager David Axelrod praised the broad support for the President among the nation's shoplifting youth.

"We couldn't be happier.  Many of these mob members will be voting for the first time.  They're participating in our democracy, becoming citizens and letting their voices be heard.  Anybody seen my laptop?"

First Lady Uses BeDazzler To Make Her Olympic Wardrobe Sparkle

                                                                   BeDazzled!!!


First Lady Michelle Obama premiered her wardrobe for the London Olympics which uses the BeDazzler she got last Christmas.

"I've been whipping up outfits since I opened my BeDazzler Christmas morning," enthused Mrs. Obama.  "Barack knew I wanted one.  He and Santa didn't disappoint.  I've been rhinestone-crazy ever since.  I can't wait to debut my American Eagle cape."

Aaron Sorkin Will Pick Next President

Aaron (Windbag) Sorkin, the suddenly-blond Oscar winner, will pick the next President.  The announcement was made today by Aaron Sorkin.

"Don't worry about who to vote for.  I'll take care of it," said Sorkin.  "Who better than Mr. West Wing?  I'm tired of amateurs and slobs making these important choices.  I'm cancelling both conventions, all the TV ads, sending everybody home. I've got calls in to Barack and Mitt, telling them we need to huddle pronto and to explain why I should pick one over the other.  Bring your A-game, guys."

The nation was heard to breathe a collective sigh of relief.  They thanked Mr. Sorkin while still refusing to watch his show, The Newsroom.

Nation Screwed, Knows It

                       
                                              Bummed Uncle Sam knows how nation feels


A new Bloomberg/Associated Press poll shows a majority of Americans know that no matter who is President, they're screwed.

"Whether you pick the tax-sheltering Mormon or the half-black Hawaiian, you're shit-out-of-luck," summed up poll participant Ronald Elsdon.  "Out of 300 million people, that's it?  These two inexperienced bozos?  They couldn't get a job managing a Taco Bell."

                                                   One of two "inexperienced bozos"

                                                                The other one

"You can buy ammunition online, but I have to strip to board an airplane," noted Caitlin O'Neill.  "Will that change?  Hell no!"

Hector Alonzo said, "My home is in foreclosure.  My third-grader can't read, and I'm stuck working at Wal-Mart.  As my grandmother was fond of saying, welcome to fucked."

While stepping out of a limousine, First Lady Michelle Obama was asked for her reaction to the poll.

"Everything's coming up roses.  Four more years!"

First Prize: Dinner With Barack; Second Prize: Shower With Jerry Lewis

The White House announced today that donors to the Obama re-election campaign can win either dinner with the President on his birthday, or shower with Jerry Lewis.

"I'm thrilled to be part of this presidential campaign," commented the 86-year-old entertainer.  "It'll be fun.  I haven't showered with a stranger in a while, and I'm getting excited just thinking about it.  Be ready for hijinks, Mister Winner or Lady Winner.  I'll bring the soap!"

                                          "Win and I'll be calling you with the good news!"

Beyonce's New Hairdo A Shout-Out To Team Misto

Beyonce is giving much love to Team Misto by changing her hairdo.  The new look is an ill-fitting turban of blonde extensions resting on top of corn rows.

"When I saw Jared Leto's mohawk, I knew I had to up my game," said the diva in between a manicure and a pedicure.  "We take hair very seriously on Team Misto."

Speaking from his hidden lair, the Great Misto praised the do, saying it's "fierce in a D train kinda way."

(Editor's note:  that's not laundry Bey is carrying.  It's Blue Ivy.  Yo.)

Jared Leto Joining Team Misto

Megastar Jared Leto is the newest show-biz hottie to join forces with Team Misto.  The Great Misto made the announcement today using his astounding telepathic powers.

"I'm trying to go paperless here in my hidden lair, going green you might say," said the Great Misto.  "So it's ixnay on the aper-pay.  Dig?"

"I'm taking a political stand, and doing it with an impressive bunch: Beyonce, the Surprisingly Powerful Erno, and Misto," revealed Leto during an interview.  "I'm not some Hollywood pretty boy with space to rent between his ears.  I'm forty, dude.  I'm a philanthropist, businessman, and painter.  Still find time to rock out with my band, 30 Seconds To Mars.  We're playing a gig at Misto's hidden lair."

                          Leto is the first vegan to join Team Misto.  Other members eat veal.


(Official Jared Leto merchandise available at Jaredleto.com)

Obama: Organic Garden My Ass; Gimme A Chili Dog!

President Obama ran out of the White House today and tore into the nearest chili parlor.

"I refuse to eat one more thing from that goddamn garden Michelle's got," the President told fellow diners.  "How many times does a grown man have to eat zucchini bread?  Fuck that.  I want meat and grease.  Screw healthy, balanced, and that cookbook."

Obama rolled his eyes while mentioning the First Lady's best-selling cookbook, American Grown.

"She didn't even write it," Obama revealed.  "My ghostwriter did."

"Try to find her within a thousand yards of a stove.  Good luck."

                                                                "This shit's good!"

After consuming two large chili dogs, large fries and a Mountain Dew, the President burped and lit up a Marlboro.

"Ahh," he sighed into the smoke.  "The perfect meal."

Beyonce Joins Team Misto

                                             Beyonce's brainwaves coming your way

Grammy-Award winner Beyonce has joined Team Misto and brought designer Devohn with her.

"We're using mind power to get every American to vote for Barack in November," Beyonce said.  "I can think of no greater ally than the Great Misto, my bald brother from another mother."

From deep within his hidden lair, the Great Misto acknowledged his newest ally.

"I'm happy as a pig in shit that Bey has hooked up with Team Misto," he said.  "She and the Surprisingly Powerful Erno really increase my mental prowess.  Those Mormons won't know what hit them."

                                                                The Great Misto

                                                                     Erno

Team Misto will look their best thanks to designer Devohn who's hard at work sewing snazzy costumes for the group.

"Ima make Lady Gaga look like a dead nun.  Talking fierce with a capital F," commented Devohn with two snaps up.


                                      
                                                                      Devohn!

Beyonce Endorses Pepsi, Nintendo, Perfume, Tommy Hilfiger, and Obama (In That Order)

Former contortionist Beyonce today endorsed President Obama while praising Michelle Obama as a "role model for African-American contortionists."

"She's humble, loving, and sensitive," Beyonce said of the First Lady.  "I'm so in awe of her.  Michelle, thank you so much for every single thing that you do for us."

Beyonce comes from a long line of circus performers.  As a child, she toured North America and was billed as Baby Pretzel.  She discovered that she could also sing and apparently has a recording career.

                                         Beyonce toned it down for the Obama Inaugural


Beyonce takes time out of a hectic schedule to care for her child, Blue Ivy.

The Surprisingly Powerful Erno Joins Forces With The Great Misto

The nation was stunned today by the news that the Surprisingly Powerful Erno has allied himself with The Great Misto.  The latter made the announcement from deep inside his secret lair.  The duo is working on getting every voter to pick President Obama on Election Day.

"I couldn't pick a better partner that the Surprisingly Powerful Erno," commented the Great Misto.  "He ain't lying.  He is surprisingly powerful.  The guest room in my secret lair is his through November.  And I'm happy to comply with his one condition: no ZZ Top jokes."

Erno declined comment.

Mormon missionaries have so far been unsuccessful in their quest to locate Misto's secret lair and remove the threat to Mitt Romney.  Romney was visibly upset, near tears according to sources, by the news that Erno and Misto had joined forces.

                                                                 The Great Misto

Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Snooki

There's really nothing to say about Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, or Snooki.

Reagan, John Wayne: Dead Stars For Romney

                                                                   "Well..."


While Barack Obama lines up Barbra Streisand, George Clooney and Sarah Jessica Parker as show-biz allies, a galaxy of Hollywood stars, all deceased, are supporting Mitt Romney for President.

"This Romney fellow's all right," the group's spokesman, John Wayne, observed.  "I like the cut of his jib.   Obama's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous."

"I find Governor Romney most attractive," said Joan Crawford.  "He's strong and masculine like Gable.  He's got my vote."

"The colored guy had his chance," Bob Hope noted.  "I'd prefer Rochester, but he's up here with us.  I knew Mitt's Pop, George.  He's a good boy and a handsome devil.  Mormon I hear.  This Hope hopes there's a change come January.  How about that?"

                                                                    Hats off to Romney

 

                                                               "Obama?  Yuuuuu!"

The star-studded group also includes Lucille Ball, Gary Cooper, Walt Disney, Kate Smith, Adolphe Menjou, Ronald Reagan, Don Knotts, and Grandpa Al Lewis.

Romney thanked the stars for their support, saying he can't find Hollywood boosters among the living.

"I can't wait to see Streisand, Clooney, and the rest turn to pillars of salt when I get elected," Romney said.

Pam Anderson Ring Card Girl For Mud-Wrestling Match

Pamela Anderson will be the ring card girl at the upcoming mud-wrestling match to determine who will be our next President.  The bout pits Obama's daughters against two of Romney's sons.  Don King, promoter of the match, made the announcement today in Las Vegas.

"Pam adds a touch of class as only she can," King said.  "She will pull in the all-important Baywatch demographic.  I predict ratings through the roof."

"I always wanted to try politics, and this is a fun way to jump in," Pam said.  "Plus, I love wrestling, either at home or in public."

                                     Bishop Desmond Tutu reacts to the choice of Pam.

It's Obama Girls Vs. Romney Boys In Mud-Wrestling Match-Up!

                                                          There will be mud.


President Barack Obama and GOP rival Mitt Romney announced a mud-wrestling contest between their children which will decide the 2012 election.  Both candidates are tired of constant campaigning and non-stop fund-raising.

Obama's daughters Malia and Sasha will battle Romney's sons Tagg and Matt in a mud-wrestling bout on the White House lawn.  Don King is promoting the fight.  HBO will air the match live.

"I'm fed up with the constant traveling, visiting every bumburg and pretending I enjoy it," said Obama.  "Mitt feels the same way, so we said 'screw it.'  Let the youngsters duke it out.  Winner take all.  I'm coasting this summer.  No more campaigning, no fund-raising.  You have no idea what a pest George Clooney is."

"Replacing the electoral process with mud-wrestling makes perfect sense to me," offered Romney.  "We waste so much time and money then bore the shit out of people.  Cut to the chase.  Give voters off on Election Day."

                                                    Coming soon to the White House

The Obama girls are training with their mother Michelle, an experienced mud-wrestler.

"I spent a few summers on the circuit while going to Harvard Law School," the First Lady revealed.  "My handle was the South Side Slammer.  I kicked some serious ass.  So will my girls."

The Romneys have a clear height and weight advantage.  Tagg and Matt are almost forty.  Malia is thirteen.  Sasha Obama is eleven.

"The Romneys are a lot bigger but so was Goliath," the First Lady added.  "I'm teaching the girls my winning moves."

"I'm thrilled to promote my first mud-wrestling match, one that's headed for the history books," commented Don King.  "It's my patriotic duty.  God bless America."

Mitt Romney Developing "My Five Sons" Sitcom

Mitt Romney is shoring up his post-election career in Hollywood.  The candidate is developing My Five Sons, a Mormon update of the TV classic My Three Sons.

"I'm the new Fred MacMurray," Romney told Variety.  "I play Elder Douglas, the widowed father of five boys, all of them venture capitalists.  They come to me for fatherly advice and favors.  We go door-to-door in the neighborhood handing out the Book Of Mormon.  It's a friendly place - Anytown, Utah."

On the show, as they do in real life, the Romney men will shower together while singing sea chanties.

Karl Rove is in discussions to play Bub, the boys' gruff-but-lovable grandfather and housekeeper.  "Karl's uncanny resemblance to William Frawley makes this a no-brainer," Romney added.

                                                                   Old Bub

                                                                      New Bub

Romney will also soon hold auditions for the part of the shaggy-but-lovable pooch Tramp.

No Amuse Bouche Leaves Romney Wistful

                                                                  "Quel dommage"


GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney sighed audibly last night when realizing his gourmet dinner would not begin with an amuse bouche.

"The waiter placed the warm beet salad with cave-aged blue cheese in front of me, and I must admit to a wisp of ennui," Romney recalled.  "It meant there would be no little surprise from chef.  No soupcon of vichyssoise.  No beggar's purse of caviar.  Not one dab of creme fraiche.  We are not amused."

                                                          Not on the menu for Mitt

"I was looking forward to a liitle pampering.  After all the greasy corn dogs and county-fair chili I choke down on the campaign trail, I wanted something elegant, more my normal diet.  Tomorrow, it's back to VFW pancakes."

The candidate reminded reporters that Mormons are forbidden from drinking alcohol and caffeine. 

"Really limits the thrills at table," Romney said while staring out an airport window into the distance.  "Heck."

"Mitt's a bit pouty about these things," explained Ann Romney.  "He wants what he wants.  He can only keep up that Regular Joe facade for so long.  How many bowling-alley burgers can a man worth $250 million eat?  Mitt's just not a Corn Nuts kinda guy."

Hearing the words "Corn Nuts", the candidate shuddered.