HAPPY HALLOWEEN from Obama Now News!

Ann Romney Makes Meat Loaf; Meat Loaf Endorses Romney; Coincidence?

Just days after Ann Romney made meat loaf on Rachael Ray's cooking show, her husband was endorsed by Meat Loaf.

"The fix was in," said President Obama.  "Ann Romney's meat loaf recipe will attract women voters while middle-aged white men who know every song from Bat Out Of Hell go Republican.  Well-played, Mitt."

The meat loaf/Meat Loaf tie-in is earning praise and criticism among political pundits.  Conservatives see it as brilliant cross-gender marketing.

"The Romneys' net worth tops $250 million, yet here's Ann playing happy housewife, hands deep in the ground beef, while Mitt pretends he loves "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights," gushed Karl Rove.  "That's relatable.  Beats some bullshit organic garden."

"Oh, please," groaned Democratic consultant James Carville.  "Uptight Mormon Mitt has Meat Loaf on his iPod?  He's been to a midnight screening of Rocky Horror?  He's ever heard of Rocky Horror?  Ann Romney still cooks?  Kiss my Cajun ass."

Little-Known Endorsements Of The Candidates

Kimmy, Bradley, no Chad

When major newspapers or large unions endorse a candidate, it's news.  President Obama and Mitt Romney also receive the endorsements of small, obscure groups.  A partial list:

Endorsing Romney

The Aluminum Study Group

Toll Booth Collectors For Christ

VHS Forever!

Pom Pom Manufacturers of America

Bayonet Club

Quiet Desperation.Com
Dressage Divas
Concealed Weapons Lodge 58
Daily Aspirin Advocates
Cloth Napkin Revivalists
Mormon Millionaires Only
Nevada's Awkward Dancers
Bomb Threat Boosters


Endorsing Obama

Truck Stop Hookers United
Buckwheat 4-Ever
Fresno Snails & Nails
Mormon Conspiracy Watch
Undocumented Cashiers
Hangnail Survivors Network
Midwest Flossing Pharmacists
UNQY
Indigent Scrapbookers of Maine
Mulattos, Octoroons & Others
Kimmy, Bradley, and Chad

"Stranger Danger?" Not At Our Airports!

With the holidays fast approaching and millions of families planning to fly, President Obama and the First Lady prepared America's kids for heightened airport security.  They read aloud the book My First Cavity Search to a group of second-graders invited to the White House.

"Our kids need to be ready for that first flight to Grandma's or that Thanksgiving family reunion," stressed the First Lady.  "Having a stranger's hands on your body is part of the journey.  Wanding can be fun if you make a game of it.  And, kids, there's no cause for alarm about radiation from airport scanners.  They're safe.  I promise."

"TSA agents are carefully screened to weed out most pedophiles," added the President.  That strange man's hand on your butt or tummy means that America is safe.  The terrorists lose."


A friend



Romney's Future: Jeopardy or Wheel Of Fortune?

Wheel or Jeopardy?

 Future game show host Mitt Romney faces the biggest decision of his career: whether to replace Pat Sajak or Alex Trebek.  Offers are on the table from both shows which want to reboot in 2013 with a fresh face.

"It's a no-brainer," notes Wheel Of Fortune Executive Producer Gary Sveda.  "Mitt looks and sounds like a genial game show host, someone you'd invite into your living room every night at seven.  He's got the grin and twinkling eyes older ladies love.  The touch of gray lends him gravitas.  He's perfect."

Jeopardy sweetened their offer today by including jobs for Romney's five sons.  "They can go get coffee," explained director Richard Evans.  "We'll do anything to sign Mitt.  I'll put his damn dressage horse on the show.  He can ride it onstage."

Asked for his reaction, a drunken Alex Trebek said, "I knew Art Fleming.  I drank with Art Fleming.  Mitt Romney is no Art Fleming.  Bastard."

Pat Sajak was unavailable due to a prior commitment at Pinkberry.

Vanna White said she'd welcome Romney "with open arms."

Sources at the Romney campaign revealed they are also exploring the possibility of Romney becoming a TV weatherman, the "white Al Roker."

Jackie Stallone Angry Over Honey Boo Boo's Fame

Celebrity crone Jackie Stallone vows revenge over being eclipsed on Obama Now News by Honey Boo Boo, our newly-crowned Queen of Pageviews and America's Sweetheart.  Honey's October Surprise has left Jackie growling in the dust.



Puts evil eye on Honey

"That little cracker has some nerve," growled Jackie through her dentures.  "I've been an award-winning astrologer and mother of celebrities for decades.  I put the evil eye on Honey.  Malocchio!  She better be careful crossing the street."

Honey Boo Boo had no comment since she's never heard of Jackie Stallone, Sylvester Stallone, or Frank Stallone.  She guzzled some Go Go Juice and burped.

Who Farted?

One of the candidates during the second debate farted, according to moderator Candy Crowley.  President Obama sniffed first and held his nose.  He scowled at Mitt Romney who shook his head.

"It ain't me, babe.  Whoever smelt it, dealt it," insisted Romney, pointing at Obama.

"No way, Jose," denied Obama, pointing back at Romney.  "It's a broccoli fart, and I had steak and potatoes for dinner.  "Fess up, Farty."

The White House announced that Romney's nerves caused the gas as well as his coining of the bizarre phrase "binders full of women."

Honey Boo Boo Says Obama Won Debate

In between heavy slugs of her beloved "Go Go Juice," and while being made up for another kiddie beauty pageant, reality star Honey Boo Boo declared President Obama the winner of the second debate.

Refering to the President as "that Obama-wama," the seven-year-old flashed a V for victory sign while channel-surfing cartoons.  She gave a thumbs down to "Omni Romney" while making farting noises.  Honey then joined her mother for a Moon Pie run to Piggly Wiggly.

America Loves Honey Boo Boo, Mud Wrestling, Jackie Stallone, and The Bedazzler!

America, you've spoken, and we hear you.  Readers of Obama Now News picked their favorite current subjects.  They are mud wrestling, Jackie Stallone, Honey Boo Boo, and that plastic thing sold on TV, the Bedazzler.  President Obama and Mitt Romney did not make the list.

"Who knew?" wondered the blog's editor and CEO, Andre Higgins-McMickens.  "This shit's wild, a total surprise.  Mud wrestling?  There's a Presidential election and our readers couldn't care less.  Bring on Honey Boo Boo or that old-crow moms of Stallone."

"The blog's got 5,000 pageviews.  Honey Boo Boo and I thank you."

Romney Will Outsource Big Bird To Philippines



Big Bird's Bummed

While admitting he "loves Big Bird," Mitt Romney today vowed to outsource the character, replacing it with a much cheaper version in the Philippines.

"The PBS Big Bird, of course, is overpaid and costing taxpayers a fortune.  I will put an end to that," promised Romney.  "We've identified a Big Bird in Manila who will work for a fraction of the salary.  Their Big Bird speaks English, although with a weird accent.  Americans will recognize the accent from countless customer service agents who call them during dinner."

"Filipino Big Bird will help us bring down the deficit without removing a beloved character from our kids' childhoods.  I've tested Filipino Big Bird on my own grandchildren.  They adore him, and he's teaching them Tagalog, which is useful when dealing with household staff."

The Romney Plan was not received well on Sesame Street.  A nervous Elmo was overheard on the phone with his agent.



Days numbered?



Count Chocula Endorses Obama

In a history-making announcement, Count Chocula today endorsed Barack Obama's re-election.  This is the first time a breakfast cereal ventured into Presidential politics.

"I can't vote because I'm animated, but you can," the Count said.  "I back Barack.  I do so despite the fact that his bitch of a wife opposes sugary cereals.  Is she a nutritionist?  I think not."

"In the cereal world, we give prizes in the box.  If you vote for Obama, I'll send you a great prize.  Choose either a Wacky Wobbler of moi or my hit record, "Count Chocula Goes To Hollywood."

The Count's counterparts, Boo Berry and Frankenberry, are registered Republicans and are scheduled for campaign stops with Mitt Romney in coming weeks.

Nation Avoids First Debate With Reruns, Drinking



Skipping debate

 American voters ran the other way during the first Presidential debate, preferring to watch or do anything else.

"No way do I have time for those two douchebags," admitted Long Island's Manny Rivera.  "I could give a shit what those liars say.  One-hundred-percent bullshit.  There's a pizza and a Facts Of Life marathon with my name on it."

"I'm heading for my local gin mill and watching the game," said Ed Riley of Colorado.  "I'm gettin' shitfaced, bro, no debate about it."



Barflies debate tits, not politics

"Isn't the election over yet?" sighed Denise Hampton in Tampa.  "Drags on forever.  I'm doing laundry and babysitting my grandson while his mom works late.  Listen to millionaires blow smoke up my ass?  Ain't happenin'.  Is the colored guy still President?"

"Debate?  Anything but that," said R.J. Browne of Austin.  "Read Groupons, shuck oysters, match socks, floss.  Anything!  Suggest something."



Not watching debate, either



Michelle Obama Debuts 'Fuck You' Dress

First Lady Michelle Obama debuted her special 'Fuck You' dress last night at a campaign rally in North Carolina.

"I've been holding on to this, waiting for the right moment," she told the crowd of supporters.  I couldn't wait to wear it and show you what I really think of you.  Now you know."

Onlookers were stunned by the hideous frock which seemed made of random scraps sewn together by the blind.

"I don't get it," said Audrey Padin.  "Michelle is always described as fashionable, but this is a fashion fiasco.  Yuck!"

"She must really hate us to wear that," added Sid Walton.  "I feel like she took a dump on my head."

"I didn't hear a word she said," noted Ellen Capuano.  "I'm still in shock.  Why not just give us the finger?"

"Who's dressing her?" wondered Padin.  "Jose Feliciano?"



WTF?



Michelle Obama "Ain't Taking Shit From Anybody"

First Lady Michelle Obama revealed today that during the closing weeks of the campaign she would not be "taking shit from anybody."

"And I mean anybody," FLOTUS explained.  "That includes Republicans, the Tea Party, birthers, Limbaugh, Fox News, that loudmouth Trump, and white people in general, especially all them Romneys.  Just start something and you'll see what you'll get.  More than a hit upside your head."

"Don't be talking smack about me or Barack.  Don't question my vacations or how we got into Harvard Law School.  Don't question our lack of white friends or our close ties to Reverend Wright.  Don't ask how I got that high-paying job at a Chicago hospital when I have no medical training.  And you better not doubt Barack's marital fidelity."

"Say positive things about my motherhood, my clothes, and organic garden, my changing school lunches despite not being a nutritionist.  You better buy my cookbook!"