Children Frightened By Barbara Walters' Face

Children across the nation were scared by the facelifted puss of Barbara Walters which appeared without warning on home TV screens.

Two of the victims

"Skyler dropped her juice box and ran screaming out of the room," said Betty Maxon of Kenosha, Wisconsin.  "Skyler's only three and has never seen Walters before.  She wasn't ready and scares easily.  The sight of so much plastic surgery on one face was just too much.  She cried for hours."

Walters was on Good Morning America helping raise funds for victims of Hurricane Sandy.

"I'm all for telethons," said Claire Humphries, mother of terrified son, Daniel, sixteen months.  "Did they have to use that crone?  Witchiepoo would be better, or Skeletor.  Walters is scarier than Meg Ryan without makeup.  Hey, ABC, warn us next time."

Angry Obama Slaps 'Bronco Bama' Girl

President Obama made an unscheduled stop in Colorado Thursday so that he could bitch-slap Abigael Evans, the four-year-old who mispronounced his name and became a YouTube sensation.

"You bet I hit her," sneered Obama.  "I'm the goddamn Commander-In-Chief.  Get the name right.  She has no excuse.  She gets Hello Kitty right.  What's so hard about Barack Obama?  I slapped her mom, too.  Racist crackers."

"I thought about sending Malia to slap her, but, shit, I wanted to.  Felt good.  Here's your teachable moment."

Obama got back on Air Force One and flew to his next fund-raiser.

10,000 Pageviews! Milestone, Baby, Milestone!

October kicked serious ass as Obama Now News roared past 10,000 pageviews.

Woo-hoo!  Open the champagne!


Our fans celebrate.

Love her or hate her, hyperactive Honey Boo Boo is our new break-out star.  Readers can't get enough of this kiddie-pageant cracker.  She's the babbling Baby New Year that snatched the queen's crown away from geriatric Jackie Stallone.  That's show biz.

Congratulatory calls and e-mails flood our office.  We've heard from Michelle Obama, Snooki, Count Chocula, Heckle and Jeckle, Mitt and Ann, Joe Biden, an envious Donald Trump, a hungry Chris Christie, SpongeBob, Newt Gingrich, Antonio Fargas, the loge of Dodger Stadium, Navy SEALS Team 6, Lindsay Lohan, Helen Thomas, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, and that hard-to-understand Huffington broad.

Diana Ross is happy for us.

Ain't no stoppin' us now!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN from Obama Now News!

Ann Romney Makes Meat Loaf; Meat Loaf Endorses Romney; Coincidence?

Just days after Ann Romney made meat loaf on Rachael Ray's cooking show, her husband was endorsed by Meat Loaf.

"The fix was in," said President Obama.  "Ann Romney's meat loaf recipe will attract women voters while middle-aged white men who know every song from Bat Out Of Hell go Republican.  Well-played, Mitt."

The meat loaf/Meat Loaf tie-in is earning praise and criticism among political pundits.  Conservatives see it as brilliant cross-gender marketing.

"The Romneys' net worth tops $250 million, yet here's Ann playing happy housewife, hands deep in the ground beef, while Mitt pretends he loves "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights," gushed Karl Rove.  "That's relatable.  Beats some bullshit organic garden."

"Oh, please," groaned Democratic consultant James Carville.  "Uptight Mormon Mitt has Meat Loaf on his iPod?  He's been to a midnight screening of Rocky Horror?  He's ever heard of Rocky Horror?  Ann Romney still cooks?  Kiss my Cajun ass."

Little-Known Endorsements Of The Candidates

Kimmy, Bradley, no Chad

When major newspapers or large unions endorse a candidate, it's news.  President Obama and Mitt Romney also receive the endorsements of small, obscure groups.  A partial list:

Endorsing Romney

The Aluminum Study Group

Toll Booth Collectors For Christ

VHS Forever!

Pom Pom Manufacturers of America

Bayonet Club

Quiet Desperation.Com
Dressage Divas
Concealed Weapons Lodge 58
Daily Aspirin Advocates
Cloth Napkin Revivalists
Mormon Millionaires Only
Nevada's Awkward Dancers
Bomb Threat Boosters


Endorsing Obama

Truck Stop Hookers United
Buckwheat 4-Ever
Fresno Snails & Nails
Mormon Conspiracy Watch
Undocumented Cashiers
Hangnail Survivors Network
Midwest Flossing Pharmacists
UNQY
Indigent Scrapbookers of Maine
Mulattos, Octoroons & Others
Kimmy, Bradley, and Chad

"Stranger Danger?" Not At Our Airports!

With the holidays fast approaching and millions of families planning to fly, President Obama and the First Lady prepared America's kids for heightened airport security.  They read aloud the book My First Cavity Search to a group of second-graders invited to the White House.

"Our kids need to be ready for that first flight to Grandma's or that Thanksgiving family reunion," stressed the First Lady.  "Having a stranger's hands on your body is part of the journey.  Wanding can be fun if you make a game of it.  And, kids, there's no cause for alarm about radiation from airport scanners.  They're safe.  I promise."

"TSA agents are carefully screened to weed out most pedophiles," added the President.  That strange man's hand on your butt or tummy means that America is safe.  The terrorists lose."


A friend