Cry-baby Obama Re-Elected; Romney Still Rich $*$*$

His time of the month?



America's first mulatto President got re-elected, convincing millions they still live in a democracy.  Obama read his victory speech off a teleprompter while Michelle booked her next vacation using Air Force One.  Obama's daughters were used, as always, as props to boost their parents' careers.

After voting, Americans immediately returned to watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," overeating, looking for a job, and thinking about sex.

Mitt in happier times

Mitt Romney faces a bleak future of unemployment cushioned only by a net worth of $250 million.  Sources predict he will shuttle aimlessly between his $8 million New Hampshire home and his $12 million California home.

"My husband's in his sixties," sighed a shattered Ann Romney, fighting back tears.  "Where is he going to find work in this economy?"

Mrs. Romney then hugged her dressage horse but none of her twenty grandchildren whom she despises.

Mr. Romney is expected to continue coloring his gray hair.  He heads for Hollywood next week to auditions as a game show host or weatherman.

"It's okay," noted Romney.  "I got wads of fuck-you money while Big Ears has an economy down the shitter and four thankless years as a lame duck.  Who's better off?"

Children Frightened By Barbara Walters' Face

Children across the nation were scared by the facelifted puss of Barbara Walters which appeared without warning on home TV screens.

Two of the victims

"Skyler dropped her juice box and ran screaming out of the room," said Betty Maxon of Kenosha, Wisconsin.  "Skyler's only three and has never seen Walters before.  She wasn't ready and scares easily.  The sight of so much plastic surgery on one face was just too much.  She cried for hours."

Walters was on Good Morning America helping raise funds for victims of Hurricane Sandy.

"I'm all for telethons," said Claire Humphries, mother of terrified son, Daniel, sixteen months.  "Did they have to use that crone?  Witchiepoo would be better, or Skeletor.  Walters is scarier than Meg Ryan without makeup.  Hey, ABC, warn us next time."

Angry Obama Slaps 'Bronco Bama' Girl

President Obama made an unscheduled stop in Colorado Thursday so that he could bitch-slap Abigael Evans, the four-year-old who mispronounced his name and became a YouTube sensation.

"You bet I hit her," sneered Obama.  "I'm the goddamn Commander-In-Chief.  Get the name right.  She has no excuse.  She gets Hello Kitty right.  What's so hard about Barack Obama?  I slapped her mom, too.  Racist crackers."

"I thought about sending Malia to slap her, but, shit, I wanted to.  Felt good.  Here's your teachable moment."

Obama got back on Air Force One and flew to his next fund-raiser.

10,000 Pageviews! Milestone, Baby, Milestone!

October kicked serious ass as Obama Now News roared past 10,000 pageviews.

Woo-hoo!  Open the champagne!


Our fans celebrate.

Love her or hate her, hyperactive Honey Boo Boo is our new break-out star.  Readers can't get enough of this kiddie-pageant cracker.  She's the babbling Baby New Year that snatched the queen's crown away from geriatric Jackie Stallone.  That's show biz.

Congratulatory calls and e-mails flood our office.  We've heard from Michelle Obama, Snooki, Count Chocula, Heckle and Jeckle, Mitt and Ann, Joe Biden, an envious Donald Trump, a hungry Chris Christie, SpongeBob, Newt Gingrich, Antonio Fargas, the loge of Dodger Stadium, Navy SEALS Team 6, Lindsay Lohan, Helen Thomas, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, and that hard-to-understand Huffington broad.

Diana Ross is happy for us.

Ain't no stoppin' us now!