Michelle Obama Endorsing Mommy's Time Out Wine

In an historic first for a First Lady, Michelle Obama has signed on to be a spokesperson for Mommy's Time Out Wines.

"I'm a mom, and I like a taste," she commented at a Washington press conference announcing the endorsement.  "It's a perfect fit.  This shit's nice."

As part of the agreement, Mommy's Time Out will be served at all White House dinners and events.  The First Lady will film four TV commercials for the brand, the first premiering July 4th.  The President will not appear in the spots.

"My girl Valerie Jarrett's daughter just got married.  I made sure Mommy's Time Out was the only wine poured at the reception.  Goes with anything, and it says 'class.'"

Michelle Refuses To Pose With White Kids

Michelle Obama, also known as First Mom, threatened to walk off a photo shoot for Children's Health magazine if a white model wasn't immediately ejected.

"Get the little cracker gone or I'm history," she shouted at photographer Chris Cummings.  "Put that bitch in an elevator now!  I won't pose with anyone who isn't of color.  Christ, we got a light-skinned Mexican.  Close enough."

The photographer's assistant rushed eleven-year-old Kimberly Bishop, the white child, into the elevator and then into a cab.  The child left the studio in tears.

"I can't help being white," Kimberly sobbed.  "It's not fair."

The photo session continued without incident.

First Lady A Regular At Wendy's Drive-Thru

A Washington, D.C. Wendy's has a very special customer at their drive-thru: Michelle Obama.

"She's here all the time," said Cindy Perez, pictured above.  "She wears dark glasses and a scarf but I know it's her.  The Secret Service guys kind of give it away.  Duh!"

What does the First Lady order?

"She loves the Baconator Double with chili cheese fries," revealed Cindy.  "And sometimes the Spicy Chicken Nuggets with extra hot sauce.  Dessert is always the Oreo Frosty Parfait."

Does she ever ask for nutritional information?

"Never.  Just extra hot sauce."

Any other tidbits?

"She eats in the parking lot and uses coupons."

Arrested, Still Inspired By First Lady

Though under arrest, Keisha Johnson clings to First Lady Michelle Obama as her role model.

"I don't enjoy being in jail," the 24-year-old defendant revealed, "but I keep hope alive with the inspiring example of Michelle Obama.  I look up to her, and if my conviction is overturned on appeal, I'm giving up on crime, drugs and welfare fraud.  Ima get my GED and a job, part-time to start.  I'll get my kids out of foster care and be the best mom I can be, a mom like Michelle."

Whites Not Welcome In White House Garden

Michelle Obama announced that her world-famous organic White House garden is not open to whites.  The Secret Service is under orders to bar all Caucasians from the garden and "No Whites" signs have been posted.  The ban includes Vice-President Biden.

"I'll keep out anybody I want," Mrs. Obama told the press.  "Let whites stay in their own gardens with their stupid-ass gnomes.  My garden is for people of color and white ain't a color."

"Can't This Bitch Make Me Some Kung Pao Chicken?"

First Lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the White House kitchen last night, looking for Kung Pao Chicken, her favorite.  She never got it.

Pointing at Judy Chen, the only Asian among the Obamas' twelve chefs, Mrs. Obama said, "What about her?  Looks like she's worked in a few Chinese restaurants.  She speak English?"

It was explained to the First Lady that Ms. Chen is a pastry chef in charge of desserts.

"So?" the First Lady asked.  "She stop being Chinese?  She forget how to use a wok?  It's just chicken and peanuts.  This is bullshit."

Mrs. Obama stormed out of the kitchen and had takeout delivered from the Jade Palace.

EXCLUSIVE: Michelle Snacks During Press Conferences

First Lady Michelle Obama today confessed that she can't get through her public appearances without reaching for a snack.

"I'm doing these damn things all day," she sighed.  "I need a little something to tide me over to mealtime, you know, keep me going.  I have staff with me whose sole job it is to feed me.  They're off-camera, but they're there.  When I give the signal, they best slip me that Egg McMuffin or those pork rinds.  And fast."

The Secret Service's nickname for Mrs. Obama is "Snacky".

Most Defendants Chose Obama Fashions For Arrest Photo

Brothers and sisters vote for Barack.  Even a dumb white guy did.

Now when you ask, "What you lookin' at?"  They can say, "Your stylish Obama t, my brother."

White House Will Show Zombie Movies Vows Michelle

Defying her staff and throwing tradition to the wind, First Lady Michelle Obama promised that her favorite genre, zombie movies, will be screened at the White House.

"The staff tells me to screen  films in French or Hollywood's so-called classics," said Mrs. Obama.  "'Show John Ford, Frank Capra.  Let AFI pick.'  I call bullshit on that.  I'm keepin' it real.  I'm puttin' together a whole zombie festival.  If the tightasses can't dig that, later for them.  This is the People's White House.  I'll show anything I want.  My perfect evening?  A zombie movie and Hot Cheetos."

"I told Barack to give George Romero that Kennedy Center Honors Medal.  Pick somebody good this time."

The First Lady, a big fan of TV's "The Walking Dead", added that she and the President will dress as zombies this Halloween and go trick-or-treating.

"We rehearsing our zombie walk in the Rose Garden.  He's good, ya'll.  Good and scary."

Michelle Obama: "I Almost Married Antonio Fargas"

Washington was shocked today by First Lady Michelle Obama's revelation that she almost married actor Antonio Fargas.

"This was before Harvard, before Barack," she explained.  "I was an impressionable black youth growing up on Chicago's South Side.  We all watched "Starsky and Hutch", and we were all in love with Huggy Bear.  I had his poster, his action figure, and his autograph.  That was not enough."

The young Michelle hitchhiked to Hollywood, lied her way onto the set and met her idol.

"I was even more in love when I looked at him.  Best believe I hugged me some Huggy Bear."

Michelle's parents caught up with the runaway and brought her home.

"I cried every one of those 1,750 miles," she remembered.  "My first and worst broken heart.  I've settled for men ever since.  Huggy still in my heart."

Mr. Fargas had no comment.  "A gentleman never tells," he said.

Jonathan Goldsmith A Mystery to Michelle

When asked if she'd like to meet actor/beer salesman Jonathan Goldsmith, First Lady Michelle Obama replied, "Who?"  Aides showed her the above photo of the idol of millions.  Mrs. Obama asked, "Who's that?  Kenny Rogers on a bender?"

Mrs. Obama declined to meet the actor.  "Forget it.  I'm no Mexican.  I don't even speak Spanish.  Where's the buffet?"

T-Shirt Not Ironic Insists Chunky Michelle

First Lady Michelle Obama denies her t-shirt (pictured above) is being worn ironically.  The design, a red slash across a fat woman's body, is meant seriously as a teachable moment, said the chunky-thighed, junk-in-the-trunk FOTUS.

"I am not fat," she stated, "and I'm in better shape than all of you'll.  Irony is for white people, anyway.  Black folks don't play that.  I'm on my way now to my organic garden.  Better not let me hear you mention my weight again.  Hear?"

Pope "Asshole," According To First Lady

Pope Benedict, boss of the world's one billion Catholics, is an "asshole", according to First Lady Michelle Obama.  "A flaming asshole," she added.

"I was nervous he'd ask how many abortions I've had.  No worries.  He only wanted to know which designers I wear and how to meet Oprah.  He must have called me "girlfriend" fifty times.  That was not in the protocol book.  Then he got into fabrics - satin versus silk.  Then jewelry.  Forget poverty and war.  Not this Pope.  Give me Reverend Wright any day."

The President and First Lady were on a "Get The Catholic Vote" tour of the Vatican when they met with His Holiness.  The Obamas' next stop will be Jerusalem, part of the "Get Jews' Money" tour of the Holy Land.

Melvin Birgans Not Related To Obamas

Arrested as part of a major drug bust on Chicago's South Side, Melvin Birgans told police tonight he is not a relative of the President or First Lady.

"I ain't never met them," Birgans said during booking.  "Nah.  I checked with my auntie.  She say they not family.  My auntie's never wrong.  I wish we was related so I could get my ass paroled or pardoned or somethin'.  Shit."

The White House Press Office confirmed that Mr. Birgans and his auntie are not related to the Obamas.

Michelle Admits: "No White Friends, Thank God!"

First Lady Michelle Obama revealed today that she has no white friends and doesn't want any.

"What do I want with white people unless it's a fundraiser or photo op?" said Mrs. Obama at a morning press conference.  "They get on my nerves, and if they ain't writin' a check or re-electing my husband, hell with them.  They cozy up to me, but I can see through their bullshit.  Name-dropping crackers.  They wouldn't even talk to a black person unless she lived in the White House."

"Other day, this white bitch asks if my daughters are learning African dance.  Believe that shit?  I'm grooming my girls to be debutantes, not gyrating jigaboos.  All my girlfriends are black as a coal mine.  The men, too.  Barack's the whitest person in my life."

The First Lady made her comments in between posing with invited donors, all of whom are white.  When they departed, Mrs. Obama ordered that the windows be opened.

"There's some white stink in here," she said, rolling her eyes.  "White wine, yes.  White friends, no."