Michelle Obama Targets "Lazy Ass" Walmart Shoppers

First Lady Michelle Obama has launched the latest phase of her "Let's Move" campaign and targeted, in her words, "those incredibly lazy slobs in Walmart."

"For four years I've done everything to get pre-diabetic, nacho-munching slugs to get off their fat asses," Mrs. Obama fumed.  "I dance with them.  I hand out apples.  They help me harvest yams in my organic garden.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it."

"Despite my best efforts, the laziest Americans--Walmart shoppers--have not gotten with the program.  That shit's gonna stop.  I mean you, Keishona Wiggins."

Keishona Wiggins, target of White House wrath

Wiggins, an unemployed Houston resident and a Walmart regular, insists on being ferried around the store in a shopping cart.  She's so opposed to walking that Wiggins refuses to even wear shoes.

"I'm tired," Wiggins explains.  "I don't have no energy and run out of breath fast.  What's wrong with me riding in a shopping cart?  I ain't hurtin' nobody.  Tell Michelle to shut up.  Where the Hot Cheetos at?"

The First Lady vows to make surprise appearances at Walmart and to "dump Keishona on her lazy ass if she doesn't start walking."

Pope: "I Am Out Of Here"

Pope Benedict XVI, Benny to his friends, resigned today and left the Vatican on his new motorcycle, a farewell gift from the Catholic Church.

"It's a sweet ride," confessed the pontiff.  "Beats that lame Pop-mobile and chicks dig it."

The Pope's other parting gifts include a condo in Tampa, a speed boat, and an undisclosed amount of cash.

Michelle's New Wig Hit of Inauguration

First Lady Michelle Obama's new wig drew praise in the nation's Capitol and around the world.

"Girlfriend is stylin'," cheered Quinoa Bumpass, who attended the Inauguration ceremony.  "Ima get me one. Is that a Dionne Warwick or a Tyra?"

"That wig is fierce," insisted D'ijon Entree, a shoe designer from Baltimore.  "I ain't playin'.  The bitch has got it goin' on."  Mr. Entree danced Gangnam style to underscore his point.

Mrs. Obama revealed her wig is a recent purchase.

"I picked it up in Hawaii during our vacation.  I just had to have it.  It's made from Indian hair - dots, not feathers.  I put away my Afro-Puffs for good."

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