Michelle Obama Targets "Lazy Ass" Walmart Shoppers

First Lady Michelle Obama has launched the latest phase of her "Let's Move" campaign and targeted, in her words, "those incredibly lazy slobs in Walmart."

"For four years I've done everything to get pre-diabetic, nacho-munching slugs to get off their fat asses," Mrs. Obama fumed.  "I dance with them.  I hand out apples.  They help me harvest yams in my organic garden.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it."

"Despite my best efforts, the laziest Americans--Walmart shoppers--have not gotten with the program.  That shit's gonna stop.  I mean you, Keishona Wiggins."

Keishona Wiggins, target of White House wrath

Wiggins, an unemployed Houston resident and a Walmart regular, insists on being ferried around the store in a shopping cart.  She's so opposed to walking that Wiggins refuses to even wear shoes.

"I'm tired," Wiggins explains.  "I don't have no energy and run out of breath fast.  What's wrong with me riding in a shopping cart?  I ain't hurtin' nobody.  Tell Michelle to shut up.  Where the Hot Cheetos at?"

The First Lady vows to make surprise appearances at Walmart and to "dump Keishona on her lazy ass if she doesn't start walking."

Pope: "I Am Out Of Here"

Pope Benedict XVI, Benny to his friends, resigned today and left the Vatican on his new motorcycle, a farewell gift from the Catholic Church.

"It's a sweet ride," confessed the pontiff.  "Beats that lame Pop-mobile and chicks dig it."

The Pope's other parting gifts include a condo in Tampa, a speed boat, and an undisclosed amount of cash.

Michelle's New Wig Hit of Inauguration

First Lady Michelle Obama's new wig drew praise in the nation's Capitol and around the world.

"Girlfriend is stylin'," cheered Quinoa Bumpass, who attended the Inauguration ceremony.  "Ima get me one. Is that a Dionne Warwick or a Tyra?"

"That wig is fierce," insisted D'ijon Entree, a shoe designer from Baltimore.  "I ain't playin'.  The bitch has got it goin' on."  Mr. Entree danced Gangnam style to underscore his point.

Mrs. Obama revealed her wig is a recent purchase.

"I picked it up in Hawaii during our vacation.  I just had to have it.  It's made from Indian hair - dots, not feathers.  I put away my Afro-Puffs for good."

Columbia Records Is Proud To Present...

Betty White Marries Dog

The groom licks the bride

TV's Golden Girl is also a Ggrrr Girl.  Betty White today married a Jack Russell Terrier she met only a month ago at a shelter.

"The heart wants what the heart wants," cooed White.  "Being from a different species should not be a barrier if both parties sincerely love each other.  I'm proud to be a pioneer.  Inter-species marriage is the new same-sex marriage.  You can learn a lot from an old gal like me."

Valerie Bertinelli, White's co-star on Hot In Cleveland, commented tersely on the marriage.

"I knew she'd snap."

 

Travolta, Kilmer and Kirstie Star in "The Expandables"

John Travolta, Val Kilmer and Kirstie Alley are set to star in The Expandables.   The film chronicles the trio's attempt to eat everything in sight.  The film is being produced next year by the Weinstein Company.

I used to be Batman.

Yum yum.  Eat 'em up.

The film, whose full title is The Expandables: Which Way To The Buffet?, co-stars Edward Furlong and Chaz Bono.  Over ninety per cent of the film's $26 million budget is for craft service.

If the first film is a hit, the actors will do a sequel, Expandables 2: Out Of Mayo.

Cry-baby Obama Re-Elected; Romney Still Rich $*$*$

His time of the month?



America's first mulatto President got re-elected, convincing millions they still live in a democracy.  Obama read his victory speech off a teleprompter while Michelle booked her next vacation using Air Force One.  Obama's daughters were used, as always, as props to boost their parents' careers.

After voting, Americans immediately returned to watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," overeating, looking for a job, and thinking about sex.

Mitt in happier times

Mitt Romney faces a bleak future of unemployment cushioned only by a net worth of $250 million.  Sources predict he will shuttle aimlessly between his $8 million New Hampshire home and his $12 million California home.

"My husband's in his sixties," sighed a shattered Ann Romney, fighting back tears.  "Where is he going to find work in this economy?"

Mrs. Romney then hugged her dressage horse but none of her twenty grandchildren whom she despises.

Mr. Romney is expected to continue coloring his gray hair.  He heads for Hollywood next week to auditions as a game show host or weatherman.

"It's okay," noted Romney.  "I got wads of fuck-you money while Big Ears has an economy down the shitter and four thankless years as a lame duck.  Who's better off?"